What to think when you find signals he might be using but he says he isn't? I believe him, but this is weird

relapse
trust
communication
#1

Ok, so my husband (a few years back now) had a nasty cocaine addiction. I learned, over time, the signals of him using - behaviors included hyperactivity, sleepless nights, and eventual sleep-filled days and intense depression/come-downs.

So, I’m confident he’s not using, and we talk openly about most aspects of his addiction.

But - this is so weird to me!
I keep finding things rolled up around the house - sticky notes, dollar bills.
If this came along with the physical behaviors I would be worried. And when I’ve asked him about it he says it’s just a habit and he’s not using.

I suggested maybe he find another habit to make a different shape out of paper.

After spending years snooping for signals of what was going on and how he’s doing. This is a major trigger for me!

#2

That is the worst- I was in a similar situation and when I would find stuff, he said it was old and from long ago. Deep down inside I did not believe him but I had no choice but to and to let it go. Just sucks to have to bring up all of these old emotions again.

#4

I was in the same situation a few times. He promised he was not using and convinced me I was over- reacting. In the end I was always right. It’s so hard to know because people with addictions are experts at lying and manipulation. I’d like to advise you to follow your instincts but in this case maybe he’s rolling things out of habit. Just keep your eyes open and you will find additional signs if he’s in active addiction again. Residue on the items, etc. Another big sign for me was how much money he was going through so something to keep an eye on if you have access. You can always hope for the best until you know otherwise.

#3

Agreed, and then all of a sudden I’m on auto-pilot, shoving my fingers into his pockets seeking bags or other telltales.

#7

It took along time of my son telling me he wasn’t using. When all the signs were right in front of me all along. I wanted so much to believe him that he wasn’t using that at times I think I just wanted to believe whatever he told me. Until his wife called and said he had od and I needed to come to the ER. He was revived but it was a wake up call for me to stop giving in to him no matter how much it hurt me I knew I had to say no to enabling him. That was 6 months ago and he hasn’t hit his rock bottom yet but I know I know what ever happens it won’t be my fault for giving in to him.

#8

I was the same way with my son for awhile. On some level I knew he was lying and that he was using but it was easier to believe his lies than to accept the reality that he was using.

#9

Wow @Sherry_Baldridge, that must’ve been a scary phone call. I’m glad he was “OK.” Any updates? Has your son opened up to you at all since the ER incident?

I like where you said:

I’ve made up so many excuses for my dads behaviors, and tried to explain away his substance use as other medical conditions. (I was even a regular on the Alzheimer’s info line for awhile!)

When I realized that it was exactly what I thought it was, I took it as my reminder to take care of me first & show him love the best I can - without trying to fix him.