What to make of quietness and distancing from my boyfriend who is a recovering alcohol user?

relationship

#1

My boyfriend of 2 Years and 7months and the father of my beautiful 4 month daughter is in rwcovery for alcohol abuse. Towards the middle of are relationship i noticed that his level of drinking began to pick up it got to the point where it became uncomfortable for him health wise. I told him about the drinking I told him that it would be between myself and the alcohol and he said he choose me and his drinking did slow down or so I thought. I found out i was pregnant in October 2018 it was the happiest day of our lives. 2 days after i got fired from my job he also was unemployed at the time. As time went on I began to get depressed and became angry most of my anger was dirwcted towards him anytime he would come around I would argue with him and pressure him about given me money he did the best he can I developed PPA but I didnt know and I keep my emotions to myself. Ibsaid some untrue words to him and he did to me i became angry and didnt call him when our daughter was born because i was angry and I assumed he didnt want nothing to do with us. But i was wrong 2 days after she was born he came to see me and i blew up on him after i calmed down he came and talked to me he told me he over dosed himself and was in the hospital when i was having her at the time i acted like i didnt care because of the Post Partum. 2 weeks afyer my daughter was born I began to feel a little normal and we started are relationship again. I said something to him averagely didnt know how sensitive he would be and he took it to heart and end the relationship but i apoligized and he came back about a month and a half later he left the relationship again me not knowing he being so sensitive about me taking a family trip he didnt want me and the baby to go on because he was not able to go. For abut a month we were arguing i was pleading with him but he was angry at me dodnt want to talk to me or see the baby so i left abd take a trip he still was angry wouldnt talk to me or the baby he had stop going to his alcohol counselling but was liein to me he was i was informed from his mother that he relapsed and overdose when he came to he apologized about everything about the way he acted and the mean things he said his reason for being so was the way I was during the pregnancy and after the Post Partum he couldnt handle it because of the way his mind made him feel from the over dose. He said he thought i didnt love him but he now see that I do.

Its been almostva momth sincere where back together and he tells me he loves me and says he wants his family. But he acts completely different his personality is different he dont talk much abd he acts sucluded i have spoke to himnabout it and he says its ntn. I have read alot of articles on behavioral differences in rwcovery addicts abd he has alot of them. Everyday becaus ehe dosent talk that much anymore am afraid that hes cheating or he wants to leave me again. Could it just be his brain because of the mental breakdown and the alcohol chemicals leaving his body.

My question is how do I support him and let him.no I am here? How do I also let go the fear of him leaving again and not getting better?

A little depressed and afraid not good enough for him to stop his addiction
I started treating myself and my baby girl to new hair styles manicure and pedicures also going out on date nights


#2

Thanks so much for sharing @Rossann93 - I think I know exactly what you’re talking about. When my husband was in early recovery (just out of rehab and first time working on being substance free) he was depressed (which is a normal reaction to not having the substance he’d been relying on for so long in his system) and having trouble sleeping. I didn’t know it at the time but the amount of healing and effort that goes into just waking up every day and existing without the substance is phenomenal.

He told me recently (4+ years since rehab) that this year has been the first where the voice in his head, suggesting some substance use would be nice right now, has just quietened down to the point where he doesn’t actively have to manage or attend to it. WOW.

So yes, in the early days I think of them like bambi on ice. Fragile and just trying to skate through the day to day. There is little energy they have for really showing up as a full partner that we might otherwise expect. I’m not saying we can’t get there - because I’ve seen and believe we can :slight_smile:

I guess what I’m trying to say is - don’t take it personally. If the words are there and you believe his intentions, but maybe you’re not feeling the actions as much as you’d like, I think this can be explained by the intense internal process he’s going through of the brain healing.

My suggestion would be to keep sharing love with him, keep adding in new behaviors you can enjoy together (replacing old habits with new ones is a great way to retrain the brain) and creating a joyful life together - which will take time, start slow and celebrate the small stuff - is how we rebuild.

I love your mention of making special times with your baby girl. Your instincts are right :slight_smile: trust them and also try to hold onto the knowledge of what addiction recovery takes to keep things in perspective.

Love to invite you to join our next weekly digital meetup: You Are Here - Self-Care Strategies. I think you’ll hear your own story reflected in others’ in the group. And stepping up self-care in this stage of the recovery process will help with your resilience and tolerance for the long journey of recovery. We’ve got some great tools to share with you! RSVP to the meetup HERE!


#3

Thank you for your responce it is so tuff. My thoughts on the daily are always pulling against my heart. When he acts distant all i think is he dont want to be around me and he dont love me but I remind myself how far we have come it sames as just a little but its a start. I just wish in my country we had such support groups tonturn to I live in the bahamas so i wont be able to attend the meeting I really wish i could of. I stubbled across the websitewhen researching and I am really glad I did


#4

Do you have any suggestions of books I can read to.cope with


#6

@Rossann93 our meetups are hosted online (digital!) so you can join from anywhere in the world!


#5

Hi @Rossann93 -this post has some great book suggestions. :pray:t4::sparkles::two_hearts: