What to do when I think he may have hit my 4yo son?

ask-a-professional
alcohol
child

#1

He apparently drank today while I was out, and lost it on the kids (they are mine, not his biologically). My 4 year old was in a complete panicked state when I got home, hyperventilating and crying. He does tend to exaggerate or make up details he can’t quite remember or put into words (he’s 4 after all!), but his back was hurt from apparently being thrown against the wall, and he said he was punched. My 6yo wasn’t in the room when it happens, so he couldn’t tel me any details. He has no marks on him, and seems fine now (mentally as well thank god.)

After I found all this out, my fiancé got home and was still drunk, so I didn’t bring it up with him then, but I will definitely be talking to him about it tomorrow when he sobers up… we are supposed to be getting married on Friday.

He has never been physical with me or the kids before, and aside from driving drunk a few times, he’s never put anyone in danger, as far as I know.

What I want to know is: is this it? Is there ever any way of coming back from this? I feel like i’ll Never leave my kids with him again, and I’m so scared of what comes next.


#4

@anonymous22, I can empathize in that my husband was never a violent drunk (he was the get drunk and pass out type), until one day he was extremely rough and aggressive with me in front of our daughter. He frightened her and me. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it gets worse until someone seeks treatment. Hard as it was, I went to court and got a restraining order against my husband. I love this man and I know that underneath this disease he is a good man, but I had to put my daughter first. You should too. Doesn’t mean you can’t repair the relationship in the long run. But it’s better to protect yourself and your kids now, before the behavior escalates further. Take it one step at a time.


#5

Thank you for your message, one step a time is what I’ve been telling myself. I am working today to set boundaries for myself and my children, and to stick to them for their protection and my own.
I do love him, and few the exact same way. There is a wonderful, loving man underneath this addiction monster. One breath a time, one boundary at a time, and I’m learning through this to be stronger than I ever thought possible.


#2

I think you should probably err on the side of caution and believe what your son told you.

Growing up in that sort of environment is going to make some very messed up teenagers/adults/etc…


#7

Thank you so much for your response. :heart:


#3

You absolutely have to put your children first. I believe marrying this man would be a tragic mistake. As Kevin stated, and has been proven, growing up in a chaotic environment will bring serious problems when your children become teenagers or young adults. Stressful childhoods cause increased cortisol production in children which can also lead to autoimmune diseases as adults.


#8

You have some sage responses in here, and a ton of support. As a son of an alcoholic / addict, and as a father, husband and recovering alcoholic myself (9+ yrs), you are in one of the most difficult places to be. It’s (relatively) easy for us to provide our experience, strength and hope, but making a decision and following through are the most difficult things we do as human beings. In your heart you know the right thing, and I would guess you have a world of support around you and available to lean on should you decide to reach out for help. Best wishes as you determine your path and hold firm to do what’s best for you and your children.


#6

Thank you. I appreciate your response and your encouragement.