I’ve been with S/O for 8years now for about 4-5 of those years he was very abusive physically and verbally he always went out to drink and would come home super drunk. We have 3kids together, I’ve left him multiple times but for some reason always took him back. He hasn’t hit me for almost 2years now, he’s only muffed me a hand full of times, but his drinking and cocaine problem have gotten worse. Now he stays home and just drinks and does coke and acts like an ass hole and annoyingly paranoid. I’m constantly arguing with him about what he’s doing. He has missed work over 40x and is extremely close to getting fired. He blames me because I’m constantly bitching/nagging at him and claims that the next day he’s just so distraught by me putting him down that he can’t go to work not because he’s hungover. He’s had a great job and was supposed to be taking care of things when I went on maternity leAve recently but completely did the opposite. He put us in the hole so bad that we had to start pawning stuff. I’m so sick and tired of everything he does. He’s looking to go to rehab and has been saying he’s going the past 2weeks but hasn’t gone. He’s talked to them verified his ins and all but every day he says he’s going and doesn’t go, he drinks and does coke instead. I have no idea what to do l just know I’m tired of it. I never really helped him I’ve always held resentment because of when he use to hit me but now this…What should I do. Am I wrong for nagging?
Things sound bad enough to me that I would give him a date that he needs to be in rehab by or be out of the house. That is my own personal opinion though. You need to do what feels right to you. You can still be kind in the way you communicate that. Sometimes, holding someone accountable is the most kind thing you can do for them.
The reasons not to nag are several and I speak from experince
The most important here is that he will use it as a reason ( excuse) to use more.
The second is it makes life harder on your kids. They may feel like they must choose sides or that they are to blame.
Third and the reason I left my husband is you have to live with yourself as a person who nags. I didn’t like being that person.
lastly is that nagging will NEVER change anything in a good direction, Everyone KNOWS what the deal is.
Give yourself a break and stop playing his conscious. That only works in Disney films.
You deserve a good life. Stay or leave but this will make you crazy, make you sick and your kids NEED you to nurture yourself and them.
Ultimately it is up to you. He is not really there. You are looking at a walking talking alcohol-drug which took over your husband. Maybe he’ll have a moment of sanity but don’t count on that moment keeping him sober.
It can get worse.
you can tell me off and get mad at me, I probably would have myself back then.
I’m happy to listen.
GET SUPPORT Al-Anon, Naranon or anything else.
I really relate to everything you’re saying. I was in a very similar situation and finally broke up with my s/o about two years ago after really committing to Al-Anon. My life today is immeasurably better than it was then. I’ll never get those years back that I stayed with him and was treated like garbage, but at least I’m free now.
While in the relationship, I didn’t have the bandwidth or energy to deal with anything other than my s/o’s drinking and heroin use. I was using all of my life force just to manage our household, keep my kids healthy and as safe as possible, and (mostly) feeling angry, resentful, overlooked, and scared. I know firsthand how hard it is to leave—for me, it took many years—but if you can get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting and find some support and community among people who understand, you can start to build yourself back. We can only change our situation once we decide to focus on ourselves because our actions and choices are all we can control. We can’t control the alcoholic/addict, try as we might. He’s on his own journey and will get clean and sober when he chooses to (or not).
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I read your post and really felt it. Just here to say there is hope! It can get better. You deserve more peace, happiness, and stability. !!!