What should I do? Anything helps

ask-a-professional
self-care
recovery

#1

I’ve asked a few questions already, but I need more insight.

I’ve been teeter tottering with the idea of dropping the restraining order. I have friends against the idea, but they only see the bad things that my boyfriend has done. They haven’t seen the countless amazing times and the way he is when he is sober and he’s clean. I understand where they are coming from, but I lost my best friend because of this restraining order. It wasn’t mainly my idea, it was my mothers. Everyone jumps to conclusions and automatically names an addict “bad” “lowlife” “can’t help themselves” but they are stronger than most people I know. My boyfriend in hand, he is AMAZINGLY strong. He’s lost people who meant the world to him, he’s finally accepting that it’s okay to need help and to want it. He’s living with his grandparents for the time being and I think it’s taking a toll on him because they are older, like 60s. I think he’s coming to terms with that all his friends are on their own and have started families because they are in their late 20s, early 30s.

It’s only been a few weeks, but I’ve come to terms with dropping the order, whether it’s granted or not is the hard part. Financially, my boyfriend helped a lot. He was my best friend, he saw how toxic my family is, he understands, and he’s treated me like no man has ever treated me. He’s never made the main focus about sex or even my looks. He’s made me feel like the only girl in the world.

My mom heard the words “he put his hands on me…” and she RAN with it. She was yelling up and down that I needed the restraining order and made it a point for me to get it. I’m 25, I know right from wrong. I know my boyfriend. The way I reacted wasn’t okay. I was yelling at him, throwing things around the room (not at him) and just being an a**hole. He took me trying to sit on the bed as coming after him because of his past relationships. He has had so many slip ups but I’ve never set boundaries. I’ve never sat down with him and made him think about everything. I’ve been a major enabler and after coming onto the village, I’ve seen a different viewpoint, a better viewpoint. Instead of listening, I lost my mind when I found out he slipped up again.

In the end, he knows me like the back of his hand and I know him like the back of my hand. We have previously discussed trying couples therapy and neither of us have EVER done that and we both want this to work. I know I’m going to be judge for doing what I’m about to do, but I’m not blinded by love or the lust, when you sit and you think of the outcomes and the different way things add up, you become more clear in mind.

I’m not saying I’m going to jump into the relationship without having caution, but I want us to be able to pick up the phone and be there for each other because in the end, we are the only people we have and I know we are both going to be ourselves out of this dark hole and become better for ourselves and our future.

I’m just looking for input, anything. Thank you <3


#2

I would strongly suggest you speak to someone with background in domestic violence. You need a safety plan in place, if the restraining order is dropped. Search for a Domestic Violence agency in your area. It here isn’t one close, reach out to 1-800-799-7233 or www.thehotline.org. They can connect you to someone in your area and they are available 24/7/365. Most are non-profits that will meet with you and give you an objective opinion. I am a trained victim advocate and can tell having a safety plan in place is critical. Planning what you are going to do before thing get bad can be the best first step you can take.

Good luck.


#3

Update…

The day I leave work early to go and terminate the restraining order, he violated probation and he tested positive for cocaine and alcohol. He is spending the next 120 days in jail. I have no idea if I can drop the restraining order while he’s in jail, but I need to know he’s okay and make sure he has someone to come out to. I know it’s weak of me to do that, but I’ve known him sober and I’ve known him while being controlled by his addiction. I really hope things get better and he’s officially reached rock bottom.

Any opinions?? :frowning:


#4

Hi @smilestokill, how are you doing today? I’m sorry to hear about all you’re going through right now. You and your loved one are in such a difficult place right now, and you both have your own needs that require attention. With your partner in jail, perhaps you can have peace of mind knowing he will have 120 days to detox completely. And you can use this time and space as an opportunity to dive deep into your own self care. How are you able to find peace within yourself, to love yourself, whether your partner is using or not?


#5

hello, @momentsandlight! i’m doing well at the moment, i’ve been putting my focus mainly in my work and trying to move forward in my life! how are you doing?? i thought that his jail time was going to hurt me more than it hurts him, but his family is telling me that he hasn’t stopped crying on the phone because he knows he messed up and that he truly feels as though he lost me for good (which isn’t the case.) i’ve been taking time to find myself again and taking the steps i need to take in order to grow for myself and my future.

it’s truly amazing how in such time someone can mean so much to you and become your best friend like he has become to me. it’s a weight off my shoulders in a way. i’m just relieved to know that he’s going to detox for that amount of time and he’s going to have time to think about everything and eventually get his demons out and talk to someone and get his medication fixed while all conquering his addiction. he’s strong, i know he is. i feel as though this will be good for him and i. i can absolutely do what i love and find the confidence in myself that i lost along the way, not because of him, but because i didn’t think i deserved it. :heart: