I’m basically not sure what to say to him to ensure he stop the mean behaviors (he’ll need to get sober again to boot but that’s his problem) but also come home & work on our relationship, he did so well in recovery & cost me a fortune, I hate to see us throw 10 years away & all of my savings…
Storyline:
My husband invited me to dinner of my choice for Valentines Day and it was lovely but I did not like my clam dish and ate bread and apps instead; he’s been struggling with dry drunk behaviors since he returned from 30-day recovery, 3 weeks ago. He got angry with me for not liking my dish, walked 20 ft ahead of me to the car and when I put my hand on his leg to ask what was wrong he told me not to speak to him. I thanked him for dinner and we had a long silent ride home that continued until bed time when he tried to act like nothing happened. I was very hurt and went to bed alone, he slept on the couch on his own Choice, i asked him to come up. I asked him the next evening why he is continuously treating me with silent treatment (he has narcissistic traits when he drinks & when being dry drunk too I found out) and seemingly feels like he doesn’t like me anymore since his return from residential treatment & his response was that he could not afford the dinner and I should have just eaten it and in that moment he didn’t want to her my voice because he said my expectations are simply too high. I started to cry & did argue back telling him i haven’t been treated well & getting severe hours to days of silent treatmen is not healthy, so my expectations are too low in my opinion & need him to treat me better. He got mad, repeated that my expectations are too high, grabbed some clothes & left the house without a word. I suspected something was up so I got in my car & drove to the nearest liquor store and saw him walk out with a bottle and he saw me. He didn’t acknowledge the relapse, he sped off. He picked up the phone when i called but he argued that i was controlling him & i had no right to follow him & that it’s my fault he’s drinking anyway & said we’re “done” & hung up. He went to his friends house & proceeded to get drunk & smoke weed because i called him & text asking where he was & that he was safe but wouldn’t acknowledge my hurt. I’ve told him many times leaving the house for the entire night is not ok, let alone he’s been relapsing since his return unless that one event set him off, not sure. He text me next day asking when he can come get some things, he came & we didn’t speak a word, he packed a big suitcase & left. His mom & i were in touch, he was getting drunk in a grocery store parking lot & walked into her house drunk about 1am this morning. Hes very angry with me & was asking questions like “why did you do this & that & say that?”, trying to blame basically but i had text him back that I was sorry he was hurting & that I love him & going to bed & to have a safe night (thank you Al-anon), albeit he is right that this whole thing started because i was crying upset about his treatment towards me the previous night & he’s not willing to see the problem with silent treatment. This has all happened before, but this time I financially depend on him & do love him & want him back but sober. He’s stubborn & will couch surf before he apologizes, i know he’ll send perplexing texts or even song lyrics like his drunk side usually does, but not sure what to say to him to ensure he stop the behaviors but come home & work on our marriage, we haven’t even begun to heal & now we’re adding this onto our issues, any thoughts? What do I even say to him, i need him here to help support this home & I do love him dearly.
What do I say to my husband who went on a two day relapse binge after an argument we had about the dry drunk behaviors towards me?
Shamara
#1
Hi @Shamara - thanks for sharing your story here. How are you today?
It’s so tough trying to heal a relationship and communicate with loved ones when they’re still in such a difficult place. When my husband was deep in active addiction, the most important step I took was deciding to take care of myself. I started going to therapy and Al-Anon, and I figured out my own feelings and needs. It’s tough to know what to say and how to say it when we’re still figuring out what’s going on in our own heads.
That’s great you’re going to Al-Anon - how is that working out? Have you considered getting a sponsor, or perhaps looking into counseling?