Since my last post, my partner has made drinking part of life again. Not in such a destructive way as before with the amount, in his mind “just a few drinks after work once in a while” is okay. But everyone in his life knows that it’s not. We’ve been working on honesty (his part) and sanity (on mine) because the hurt and lies that come with severe addiction can cause us on the other side to freak out. He’s been as honest as possible about his drinking, and I’ve tried to accept and not lash out. But my reactions haven’t really changed, even though he’s being kind of open. As I’m writing this with tears flowing down my cheeks, I am reminded that we are back in that disgusting place addiction puts you in. False hopes, broken plans, lies, so much anger and sadness.
I’ve been with him for over 3 years and it’s always the same, if you read over my last posts they sound extremely similar I can’t find the strength to leave him, I know this isn’t the life I want. I love him more than I’ve loved any partner I’ve had in my life, it’s so difficult and so sad to go through this with someone who is an amazing person outside of their addiction. My heart is really hurting right now.
Is what I’m feeling About my alcoholic “normal”?
I can say what your feeling about your alcoholic is normal for me. I’m going through something similar where I know it’s not what I want for my life but I want him . I’m hoping to find the courage to leave my relationship. You said something about your posts being similar. I have years of writings and it’s always the same, year after year. It was a harsh reality when I read over them several months ago and saw the consistent pattern.
What I’m saying is I can relate. You are not alone in your feelings and they are normal for you and your situation…
Progress, not perfection. Honesty is a huge step forward. Awareness of your own reactions is key.
Why do you think your reactions haven’t changed? How are you working to change them? Looking inward is important to the process. Even something as small as a daily gratitude list can make a difference.
I’ve learned that truly loving another person requires truly loving myself, as well. I’ve learned to love my husband more fully by empathizing with his struggles, and that empathy comes from facing my own suffering. “Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.” - Pema Chodron
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve felt the same way with my husband, wondering how much more I can take, if and how to leave, betrayal, broken promises, loss of trust. It takes a lot of work, openness, ups and downs, letting go of certain outcomes, and trust in yourself to move forward. It’s certainly possible. Sending love. 
@momentsandlight My outburst reactions used to be when he would lie about drinking and I’d have to find out. Now my reactions are cold, quiet, I turn very very harsh and assume the worst and accuse it, but quietly instead of yelling and screaming.
So in all reality, my reactions haven’t changed they’ve just shifted negatively even though he’s been as honest as possible the last few months. He lied to me this weekend and stayed somewhere he shouldn’t have been and I, of course found out the hard way and didn’t react well, had a meltdown, suicidal ideations have been very common when things get bad.
I’ve gone to alanon and hated every second of it. I’m in therapy but only moderately as I can’t afford to go as regularly as I’d like.
@OKM90, I can imagine how scary this must feel for you. I know if my husband were to try to moderate right now, I would be terrified. I agree with @momentsandlight that it does sound like your partner is making progress on being honest about his drinking, which is a huge step and you have created a space where he wants to and feels like he can do that, which is a big deal. I too have been in the situation where I wondered how long I could stay in a situation like this and how much I could take and I was only able to find peace once I turned the attention I was giving my husband’s addiction inward and really started focusing on me. Knowing that my thoughts and feelings are the only things I can control in this situation helped me to put myself first. That took time and practice of course, but it got easier with time. I’m sorry that you’re hurting right now. Sending thoughts of peace 
Even just a little bit is still a big win! Keep going as much as you can. It’s so frustrating that oftentimes the care we need is just not as accessible as it should be. Some free/more affordable options that I can think of include at home yoga/exercise/meditation (YouTube!!!), reading and listening to podcasts (there are some great recommendations in this forum if you search “books” or “podcasts”), journaling, healthy hobbies such as art, music - whatever you’re passionate about, lean into it as creativity can also be a great form of meditation and therapy. And of course this forum and the resources available here. Even Instagram can be a great source of motivation and hope of you follow the right accounts. Be gentle with yourself and take small steps. Celebrate the progress. 