I’m trying to hold it together while my husband is in rehab. We’re 2 weeks in on a 30 day program. Each day seems to get harder. I’m trying to staying positive and reach for some kind of calmness. I don’t have anyone to talk to because I don’t want people to know. I could really use some advice on how one stays strong and positive. Especially when I just want to be angry. This has brought so many anxiety and sad feelings. I lost all trust for him and I keep thinking he is cheating and doesn’t love me. Is this normal and how to do I control these thoughts with out taking it out one him.
Hi:smiling_face_with_three_hearts:My husband and daughter both struggle with addiction. My husband quick drinking 3 yrs ago (however never did the 12 steps) and my daughter is currently in sober living and almost 6 months sober. It has been brutally hard. What I do first is realize I need to take care of me one day at a time. Try not to look at the big picture. I go to therapy, Do yoga, meditate,listen to podcasts about addiction. I educated myself to understand their brains. Most importantly, go to Alanon so you can feel supported by people who get it and get you. All the emotions you feel are real and normal. In one of my podcasts they said… dont lose your sense of self. This is so important to stay strong. This shit will beat you down. Try some of each techniques. I wish you the best of luck.
So I have been to rehab for 8 months for benzodiazepines, methamphetamine, and alcohol use disorder. I will be four years sober on July 1st, 2020.
Since going to rehab, I worked in the kitchen at that same rehab, then worked in detox there, then as a counselor at a different rehab, and currently as a case manager at the same rehab. I have dealt with close to 7,000 addicts in some way/for some time.
I will answer your question as best as possible. Many times when family members go to rehab - it creates a lot of uncertainties for the family on the outside and the patient in the rehab. The biggest thing the patient needs from the outside family member is absolute support. What they are doing can be incredibly tough to do in the first place and even harder to stick it out for the full stay.
I would advise you to be strong for your husband and assume he is not cheating on you, at least from the outside. I believe you mean to say that you think he is cheating on you with another girl inside the rehab? If that is the case, I can tell you the most rehabs will kick out or at the VERY LEAST discipline a patient who fraternize(pair up, act too friendly, kiss, hold hands, etc). And of course there is no sex allowed for insurance reasons. Obviously it does happen because people/addicts are incredibly manipulative, smart, and looking for distractions since the drugs are uncommon to show up in a rehab – or at least found quickly if they do. I would advise you to talk to a therapist about the mistrust you feel because this could be a hidden resentment you start feeling if you already felt the need to post this.
As far as staying strong and positive, please remember that your husband did not choose to become an addict. The only choice he has is when he becomes sober and THEN chooses to use again. And even then, there are times when triggers can become overwhelming – the cravings, especially from unforeseen triggers can be difficult to overcome. Your husband has gone to rehab hopefully FIRSTLY for himself. Everything else will fall into place after he can be sane enough to take care of it – family, job, finances, relationships, sex, other health concerns, spirituality, etc. I would HIGHLY advise you to pick up an Alcoholic’s Anonymous and Narcotic’s Anonymous book and read through it or at least the first 164 pages of the AA book as they describe exactly what your husband is going through and have an entire chapter devoted to wives. This will scream exactly what you have been going through.
It is quite normal for loved ones to be angry and more at an addict(alcoholic) through this process. There is likely a co-dependent relationship that has put you through the hell he has been through because of what you end up to doing and putting up with to try and help. It is hard to compare because it can feel like apples and oranges, but I can understand how someone trying to help an addict for so long goes through hell in doing so – and the anger that can come with that.
I would keep in mind that one of the best places to get help for how you are feeling is by going to Al-Anon or Family’s Anonymous meetings which you can look up online. It sucks that most of them are on Zoom meetings right now, but it is better than nothing and you will find direct, instant help, stories, experience, strength, hope, love, compassion, and peace from these people without judgment.
Feel free to call the rehab he is at and talk to his therapist or case manager when you are having these feeling or just want some updates and they will return your call or speak to you then. I do this as much as I have time for when I am working.
I hope these words have helped and ask any other questions if you like.
My post below was directed towards you … please read & reply
No matter what anyone tells you even tho you wasnt an addict yrself you need to go to counciling for yrself. So you will be able to talk to and deal with the loved one that is coming out of rehab. Addiction just dont hurt the person with the addiction its hurts the whole family. Everyone has to go thru it when you are living with an addict. You need to learn how to help them when they are having a day they are craving drugs or alcohol. Coping skills and to learn the different signs and learn how to fully trust them again. So this just isnt for the one going thru the addiction it envolves everyone . no you might as well go ahead and make you an appointment and tell them you have a loved one in rehab and that you need counciling for yrself. And I wish you the best of luck and the best man you can have on your side and in your life is god and in church. The times now and days is horrible with drugs especially meth that is the hardest one to over come we cant get him off amd keep him off he has to want the help off of it and god in his life will help him and thats it . I have a son a daughter and a sister all still users and all deny to this day they aint on anything . you cant fool me im a recovering addict myself. I wasnt born yesterday . I have tried to educate my mom and dad both on meth but she my sister has them believing everything she says . so I have let it go out of my hands and i have turned it all over to god. He can deal with them way better than I can. I wish you luck on your journey and be calling asap and getting you some counciling you are going to need it to help you thru as well
I felt the same way but I didn’t know that he was in rehab for sue. He is my boyfriend of almost 4 years . So many thoughts came to mind. But God put a friend who had been in rehab herself and she said that the first thing that they are advices is to not contact loved once since that can trigger them to want to get out and go use. They are too busy with schedules of classes and trying to fix themselves. He is fine and loves you. I can assure you that. I heard that if he’s not trying to reach out is a good thing and is focusing in getting better.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I started dating my boyfriend 7 months ago. He was very upfront about his recovery from alcohol (first rehab trip) 17 years ago, then opiates (2nd rehab trip) after having surgery a few years back. I suspected early on that maybe he was sneak drinking but wasn’t positive until the middle of March of this year. His drinking became out of control very quickly. I suspect now that he has never really been completely sober during the two years he told everyone he was (prior to meeting me) & that he was dabbling here & there. Fast forward to the end of May & I ended up contacting some of his AA friends & he went in for detox locally & then to a detox facility for 6 more days, came home for 6 days & has been in a long term aftercare program for the past 2 weeks. This program lasts six months.
The first week he was gone I was hit from every direction with people telling me that I should do this or that. That I needed to date while he is gone, dump him, that we will not be able to be together when he gets back in six months because of the 1 year no dating rule, etc. I was about to lose my mind. After the end of the first week I told everyone that I am not making any decisions at this point, that any decisions made about our relationship will be made between my boyfriend & myself, and only he can tell me that we will not see each other if that is what is comes to after this six month period. And if he feels like he does not need to date anyone for a year after coming home I will agree to this if this will keep him sober. Not that I will stick around for a year waiting on him, but I will do whatever is necessary for his sobriety including letting him go. This man was between 24 & 36 hours from dying when he was admitted thru the ER for detox. His BP was at stroke level & his blood alcohol concentration was off the charts. He almost died.
I too have fears that he will come out of this & decide that he doesn’t want to be with me, or worse, that he feels obligated to me because he thinks I saved his life. I definitely do not want a relationship based on obligation.
Week two was a little better. I am no longer having panic attacks. I know he is safe. It is hard not being able to talk (he wrote me one letter letting me know he cannot write until after the first 30 days). And I felt 100 times better just getting a letter & knowing he was happy & liking where he is. I, on the other hand, write almost daily or send a card. Not for myself, but because I want him to stay encouraged. He is my best friend & I miss talking to him.
All I can do is have faith, put an X on the calendar each day, hang out with my friends, read up about his disease & recovery, exercise & take care of me.