How do others cope with their partners when they are selfish and think primarily of their own needs?


#1

When things get stressful in our relationship my partner does not step up and leaves me to handle the bulk of things. I find this makes me really resentful because he only thinks of himself and his needs and my needs become less of a priority. I find myself getting more angry, sad and feeling alone in it all. I get that he is learning new coping strategies but sometimes I don’t feel he’s putting in the work to get there and I don’t know that I have it in me to do this for the long run.


#2

I’m not sure I have any advice to offer but I can tell you you’re not alone. I am going through the same thing with my boyfriend and it is so so hard. I have been starting to feel resentful of him and it’s affecting my mental health and my daily mood. My boyfriend has been in and out of recovery for over 10 years and just when I think things are getting better, it goes downhill again. It’s a crazy and intense emotional rollercoaster and I’m starting to lose any energy to continue on this ride.

He puts in very minimal work into his sobriety and says that’s what works for him. It’s hard to watch him only think of himself. Everything he does benefits him and it makes me think he only cares about himself. I know he loves me and I know he cares about me, but right now, getting high is a priority to him and currently I’m in his way.

Self care is really important so that you are strong enough to handle this and get through it on your own. Just remember that your feelings matter. If your partner is not respecting you when you are simply trying to communicate what you need from them, they are not being a true partner to you. It’s a good idea to go find things you enjoy on your own - go for a hike, watch a movie on your own, volunteer at an animal shelter, etc. Find something you love and go enjoy it yourself. It will make you feel better, I promise. I should definitely be taking my own advice though … Good luck, always here for you :heart:


#3

Thank you! That is super helpful and something I forget! I will be participating in Wednesdays meeting to get more guidance around this as it is definitely something I need to work on. I find if I say anything about how I need more help or feel alone he gets super critical and shuts down and then there is no chance of any further discussion. It makes it so hard to think of the good. I don’t want to be bitter and resentful and we haven’t been together that long so it worries me that if he’s like this now will it get worse? Sorry if I am blabbering it’s just nice to have people to talk to about my fears.


#5

One thing I try to remember is that while their addiction and usage isnt personal (I struggle to remember this when my husband uses) it still affects us. And in a “normal” relationship, communication and transparency is important. It is even more important in our relationships. I would try to make this clear to your partners and if they arent willing to do that, sometimes it can be time to rethink your relationship. But make sure you are communicating your needs and goals and how they can participate in those and then see where that lands you. Hopefully this helps.


#4

@ayisha

Yes, I plan to be there for Wednesday’s meeting too. See you there :slight_smile:

I totally understand. I have been there feeling angry and resentful because I hate that he won’t let me talk or listen to what I"m trying to say. Sometimes I forget that that’s the addiction talking, not him. My boyfriend shuts down when I try to have an honest conversation about my feelings. This happened yesterday actually and now my mood is pretty low. Knowing I’m not alone is so very helpful though.


#6

That is a great suggestion and that is something our counselor said. That maybe I am not being clear about what I need and be patient in allowing him to meet those needs. But I do think I don’t focus enough on myself and can get preoccupied with his issues and his use. This is why I am learning self care is so critical for me. Even just found something small like going for a walk for myself and not because I have to. Hope that makes sense.


#7

Great question @ayisha our conversations that work guide might be useful HERE to work through what and how you want to communicate around this to your partner :slight_smile:

This discussion chain might also be interesting on a similar topic HERE