My boyfriend has been out of rehab since August 2018 and had been clean of heroin/opiates for about 10 months when he got out. He moved in with me when he got out and has been doing great since then. Everything has been great with him - he has been reconnecting with his friends again, found a great job, getting financially stable, etc. He has had a few slips every so often but we addressed them and talked about it together. We did our best to work through it the way that worked best for him. He seemed to be working through them okay and was taking steps to make sure he was still on track with his recovery. He told me he didn’t like meetings and I said that’s fine as long as he doing what he needs to, I’m not going to babysit him.
Well recently, I noticed something off so I confronted him but in a very gentle way. I just pointed out a couple things that usually happens when he uses (red nose, low energy, etc.) He told me he went out and bought a percocet and that he’s sorry and he’ll start going to meetings again because everything else he has been trying is clearly not working. Soon after, he even got a call from an old rehab buddy and they talked about setting up a schedule to go to meetings together. He even admitted to him that he used again. I heard them talk about keeping each accountable and he invited him to our church too.
I was really happy that he is trying to take steps and adjust his plan to stay in recovery. I was also really happy he was honest and upfront with me. I can’t help but think he could just be putting on an act to buy time until he uses again. This is the longest he’s been clean in the +10 years he’s been battling addiction. He hasn’t gone out on a bender since almost 2 years ago so this is a really big deal for him and I’m proud of him. He has really bad back problems and always tells me he’s in pain. He has been going to the doctor but it’s not helping and he’s getting impatient and has been turning to what he knows works better and quicker than anything else. That’s what he tells me but again, taking everything he says with a grain of salt.
I will be practicing self care for sure but it’s just so hard not to let this consume my mind. Every time I think about it, I start crying and I can’t focus on work or anything else. I’ve been by his side through both good and bad times (more than most people would put up with) for the past 3 years. I don’t want to go through this with him again. He told me if he uses again, he will kick himself out no questions asked. That to me, tells me maybe he is okay with using again? I don’t know. Or maybe he’s trying to protect me.
I’m just scared of what’s to come. We had plans to buy a home together, have a family, get married. I want that with him but it’s just so hard. I know it’s what I signed up for and I’m willing to work through it with him. The boundaries I’ve set up for myself is that he’s in a place where he has no interest in recovery and is not willing to stop using, then he needs to be out of my life. This is a weird gray area because I don’t know if he’s lying.
Any suggestions or tips out there? I’d love to hear other stories similar to this so I know I’m not alone.
Thanks for reading <3