Has anyone done this - replaced a car for a loved one multiple times?


#1

We have paid to fix or replace my son’s car at least 4 times in the past 6 years or so after he got into wrecks (luckily no one has been harmed). He was not under the influence in most if not all of these times, but driving too aggressively or being careless/distracted.

I was ready to stop paying for cars, but my husband convinced me to go get another inexpensive car for him to drive to get back and forth to work. My son has kept his job for a couple of years and pays almost all of his own bills. He is on medication assisted treatment, suboxone. Hasn’t kept him from relapsing at times, but it has allowed him some sustained periods where he is stable.

I think back to 12-step “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” - true confession, I’ve always thought this statement was rigged. Often we do make the same mistakes over and over, or the same pitfalls keep coming up. That’s the nature of life, in my experience. Also, I don’t expect any particular outcome!

This is in the category of maybe it sounds crazy to others, but it made enough sense for us to do it. It seems to us that the greater good is for our son to have job stability. I’m throwing it out there as a discussion topic for the community, because I think I would be considered an enabler in my old 12-step group, but I’m not coming to that judgment myself.


#2

Hi there!

It’s interesting because when my boyfriend came home from rehab, he needed his car to be repaired but had no money to do so. He was VERY nervous to ask his co-dependent mother for help because he felt it gave her a green light to continue to enable. I suggested he be very clear with her about his concern and that he first have a plan to present of how he would pay her back etc… which he did. That seemed to help him to accept the help he really needed.

Can ask the same of your son? Because while I agree with your intentions. I think it will benefit you to ask for a plan from him and have an open conversation with him about your fears of enabling him etc…

What do you think?

Also. He’s very lucky to have loving and supportive parents. I commend you on that!