Do I let him come home?


#1

I asked my addict to leave when he relapsed recently as I didn’t want him to be around myself or our children whilst he was in that state and it was a consequence of a boundary I had set after he came home from rehab. It took him 85 days to relapse.
We are going away on vacation for 10 days without him and when we get home I’d love to have him back home with us to start rebuilding on our relationship.
Our families all have their opinions and think he should be away from us so he can focus on proving he can recover and not have any distractions. I disagree and think being in at home with his partner and kids will create a safe place where he can recover and feel loved.
I’m doing really well, I’ve joined a FamAnon group and have a therapist to talk to. I’m focusing on me now and letting him own his recovery and I’m reading all the amazing blogs and instagram posts to keep me focused on my own healing.
Would love to hear your views as people who understand.


#2

Hi @nglick, I’m glad you found this space. It sounds like you’re doing well, considering what’s happening at home and living with so many unknowns right now. I’ve been there. My husband is a recovering addict and I’ve had to remove my son and myself from the situation when my husband was in active addiction. While I’ve never felt my son and I have been in danger, I just couldn’t live like that. And if I couldn’t take care of myself, I couldn’t take care of my son to the best of my ability. He got clean on his own during that time. We are together now, and there are ups and downs, slips and strength. It’s a roller coaster for sure but I just tell myself that every family has its struggles. This one is ours.

As far as should he recover on his own or at home - that’s really something that depends on the person and the timing. Sometimes in early recovery, rehab is the way to go - do he can spend the time on really taking care of himself. Recovery does have to come first. But being in a familiar environment is also helpful, especially in longer term recovery. I think it’s important for both of you to communicate your needs and find a solution that works for your family. Other people may have their opinions on what they think successful recovery is supposed to look like. But it’s not so black and white. Every recovery is different and it may take some trial and error before you figure out what is best for all of you right now. It may change. It may look completely different than anyone else’s recovery. That’s okay.

That’s great you’re getting support and taking care of yourself. Have you considered couples therapy? Does your loved one see an individual therapist or recovery coach? When my husband was in early recovery, we would see his recovery counselor together for a while to discuss his progress and what we could do at home to help. Eventually we got our own marriage counselor and she has helped so much in teaching us better communication skills, building back trust, and empathy.

Keep doing what you’re doing and take it one day at a time. Trust your gut. :pray:t4::sparkles:


#3

Like the previous response, it is not so black and white. And there are alot of questions you need to answer. Like is he trying? Is he doing all the right things like staying away from people, places, and things like suggested. Is he going to meetings? If he is not trying to help himself then you are not doing him much justice by having him stay. Since he just got out of rehab 85 days ago it sounds like he wants the help. Also weigh how this is effecting your child and yourself watching what is going on in the house. I have been on both sides of this. I have been the person that had to throw out my husband due to his destructiveness and I have helped him get through it. I myself am a recovering addict as well. For me…if I did not have consequences I would have not gotten clean. I needed many bottoms to recover. I needed situations where I was losing all support. Its better to let go then enable someones addiction. Getting clean and sober is so very hard. Most of the time alot of support is needed when the person is ready to get clean…the right kind. Like aa na counseling (especially counseling). Most times there is an underlining cause that has not been addressed in ones own life. Hope I helped a little.