Yup, me. Back when my husband and I were in a very bad place, I remember a conversation in which we both admitted we were unhappy. He actually suggested we go to couples therapy. This was before he was actively using heroin again. I said no. At the time, I knew he didn’t like me very much and I didn’t want to hear about it. I was scared of what I would hear and what I might have to do, or admit, or face in order to change. We were both bottling up so much resentment and pain, and I was so scared of releasing it.
Fast forward to now, and we have been going to couples therapy for over a year. It has helped so much and now we are able to sense when resentment creeps up and address it right away because neither of us wants to go back to how we were.
I remember calling a therapist we were referred to up and describing what was going on and why I wanted to book time for her to speak with my loved one (friend at the time, now husband!) and she said - I think we should set a session for you and I.
And I was like, erm no. This guy is dying in front of my eyes he needs HELP!
But I wound up having a session with her, and some more after that.
In my case I was in crisis mode for maybe the better part of 3 years! It’s kind of like the world feels insane. This person is hurting so much and the world ignores it. It’s enough to drive you mad and put you in rescue mode. Ignoring our own wellbeing, getting in that fight or flight mode and living there.
At least that’s how it felt in my case. Love to hear if any one else has felt this way!
Agree with @polly. You just want to be there for them and make sure they are fine. I actually didn’t even realize that I had been carrying so much stress in me for several months until I talked to a counselor after he went to rehab and suddenly all these emotions came out. That period of time when he was in rehab with no contact forced me to face myself and what I was feeling and that I needed to take care of me too. I think part of my resistance was some kind of denial of the situation he was in and not wanting to face what it meant and how life would have to change.
It was several things that all helped in their own ways. Telling my best friend, and a few close family members what was happening was very important for me. Once I got over my initial fear of being judged, and found that they were all very supportive, I was able to talk about what I was experiencing. It lifted a weight off my shoulders. I also talked to a therapist regularly and made myself go out and take walks several times a week, making sure I got enough sleep, and ate properly. I made it a point to meditate everyday and also being more active on this group to get and share information and also confront my fears.
Love this @Keli !
And love to hear how you got through that magic dark time while he was in rehab, what did that ‘taking care of you’ look like? <3
So many great self-care practices here @Keli ! Thanks for sharing them.
Have you kept them up? What is working for you now?
I have kept up with them for the most part. The exercising and gym going are a bit more challenging due to leaving the office late. I have started taking 15 minutes break from my desk everyday to go out for sun and air and to meditate. I really look forward to that part of my day now.
I definitely have resisted because of being afraid of looking at the resentment and negative feelings I’ve been harboring because I’m afraid I won’t be able to deal with it. I think I also am reluctant to seek help because I have had therapists in the past not understand or seek to understand and just say ‘you need to leave, they’ll never change unless they hit rock bottom’ without knowing me or my situation, really.