I left the relationship. Now what?

self-care
#1

I started going to al-anon this week and really but feel unsure if still I fit in since I no longer have an addict in my life?

I may fit better fit in to the “Adult Children” group, but those meetings don’t seem as prevalent?
I grew up with an alcoholic father.

My last two boyfriends were addicts. My most recent one ended 6 days ago. We had only been together for 3 months. His most recent episode was too much for me (especially considering we have only been together for a short time). However, it is still extremely painful and i am constantly second guessing my decision even though he has made no real effort to get me back.

Before finally meeting him, I had been single for 5 years. I am not good at being single. I hate it and am really struggling with my decision to have ended the relationship even know my brain knows absolutely that it was the right decision. I definitely need support and would like to make a lasting change in my life so that I do not continue to get in relationships with addicts.

Thank you for reading.

#2

One of my favorite things about AlAnon is the idea that, if you feel like you benefit, you belong there. Many of the groups I attended had people without active users or didn’t have someone with an addiction but identified with the idea that they needed to set boundaries when it came to be affected by someone else’s behavior. The premise being: if you’re miserable because other people aren’t acting as you’d like, here’s the tools to be at peace regardless of what others do.

Now sometimes those boundaries include identifying people you can’t have in your life. So if your ex made you miserable due to life choices he was making, the boundary of separation was probably not a bad call. The 12 steps is about healing for you. So if you feel like you need healing, it may not be a bad idea to work through them.

Other resources that may be beneficial: codependency no more, or other books by the same author, Melody something. Seeking out a therapist who specializes in addiction or codependency. Connecting here. I also like the reddit alanon group as well.

Hope this helps. Best of luck.

#6

I left a relationship with an addict that I still very much care about. It was extremely hard after I made the decision to leave. I felt like I didn’t fit in any longer at Al anon also. Even though I still wish he would get help I know he has to do it. I can’t change him and it wasn’t safe. I now focus on myself. I have turned the tables and now I don’t hate being single. I hated it before. I know I made the right decision. I’m happy without a relationship . My life is exciting, I have many friends now. MY dreams and goals are happening. I never ever thought I would b happy single. I still want a relationship but I’m not desperate. I now have built self esteem and am picky as to who I date. Focus on yourself. YOUR dreams, goals and desires. I’m glad I still stuck with Al anon and a therapist I wish YOU all the best dreams, hopes and wishes. It’s a miracle

#4

Thanks for this! Here’s a link to the book you mentioned :slight_smile:

“Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” by Melody Beattie

#3

I remember going to Nar-Anon with my ‘qualifier’ as my best friend / colleague, who is now my husband, and I remember it feeling weird. As a partner or friend it’s a weird thing. It seems more of a choice as to whether we stay with the person versus if we were a ‘blood’ family member.

So, I married my ‘qualifier’, he’s been in recovery a couple years, and I think we’re a great pair but it certainly comes with it’s UPS and DOWNS. I think it’s safe to say that if we have the foresight and choice, it’s likely going to save us a lot of stress and struggle if we can avoid getting into a relationship with someone in active addiction.

For me, loving someone who’s struggling with addiction really pulled on my heart strings in a way I hadn’t experienced before. So I can understand how you might feel now, sort of in a way coming down from an intense relationship or a very intense set of feelings - love, care, worry, stress, confusion etc. It takes a toll!

Still, I believe people who struggle with addiction are some of the most magical and in-touch (and out-of-touch) humans. And I also believe (and research shows) that the love from us, the friends and family, can really help. However, we need to look after ourselves first. We can’t look after anyone else if we’re not on solid ground first.

You asked “now what?” I think now’s your time to look after you. Get back to basics, sleep, meditation, light exercise, the habits, hobbies, pursuits and people you enjoy. Take it one day at a time. Know that it will hurt for a while, but the more positive activities you bring back into your life the more you’ll feel in your bones that you’re on the right track.

P.S. Congrats on taking a step back, despite it being extremely painful to do so <3

#5

I think it’s amazing that you have the self-awareness to take action in going to Al-Anon, and have a desire to make a significant change in your relationship patterns. It takes years of conditioning to get into the patterns we’re in, so it may take some time to break these old habits and look at relationships differently (in a healthier way). If the Al-Anon meeting you went to didn’t speak to you, I’d suggest trying a new one - there are so many and some are better than others. Another idea is ask someone you trust to go with you so you feel supported when you go.

Even if the relationship with the identified patient is over, it is certainly still important to work through the role you play and develop a deeper understanding of how the past informs the present (and future relationships). In regards to you feeling unsure if you fit in because you no longer have this person in your life, I want to reassure you that many people in those meetings are in the exact same situation, and if you can try and break through and talk with some members you’ll find people with similar stories!

It may be worth it for you to look into Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and see if they resonate more. I’d also recommend looking into finding a therapist who is knowledgeable in addiction (if this is a possibility for you) so you can really take a deep look at how your relationship with your father impacts your romantic relationships today.

I agree so much with what @polly said in response to you asking “now what?”

Creating space between you and past relationship can allow for an amazing opportunity to engage in self-care. Generally the message of self-care goes hand in hand with how important it is to help support a loved one struggling with addiction, but I think simply engaging in self-care will encourage you to stick with the tough decision you made and change the narrative of “not good at being single.”

Here’s a video highlighting the importance of self-care, at the end of the day the best way to show up for other people is to make sure you’re showing up for yourself. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t feel good, but you’re strong and will get through this!

#7

First, @Ashley, let me acknowledge and celebrate you for making a hard decision to honor your own wellbeing! Leaving a relationship really isn’t easy.

Agreeing with @Rebecca_Ross. What I like most about Al Anon or Nar Anon (programs that are for relatives or friends of addicts) is that - just as AA or NA is for the addict’s recovery - these programs are for OUR recovery.

Curious, now that you have left this relationship - in what ways do YOU want to change, specifically? What would those changes give you that’s important to you?

Perhaps answers to these questions will help you get clearer on what kind of support you’re looking for - or, if you choose to answer publicly, might help this community point you in a helpful direction!