Worry about risky behaviour and not sure how to handle it?


#1

Hi there,

It’s been a while since I posted here. I miss the support. It’s been a rough week for me. My SO has repeatedly betrayed my trust. His drug of choice is alcohol but since he’s been in recovery porn and using instagram for self pleasure started to become an issue. He’d lie to me about it or try and hide it from me. So we went to our counselor and he talked to my SO about being overly transparent and sharing more than he thinks he needs to. Anyways my SO works in a restaurant and he told me that he needed to go to a spirit tasting to show he’s invested in the restaurant. I expressed how I felt this was not something I agreed with and tried to call bullshit. Anyways he went anyways promising me that he wouldn’t even have a glass infront of him. Then when he gets back he tells me it was a blind tasting and he shouldn’t have gone…and fails to mention that he smelled the spirits as part of the event. He could have left when he realized it wasn’t good for him but instead he takes it to the next level and smells the alcohol and I only find out after I probe him. And then he says oh well I didn’t think it was a big deal. I am just so sick of him doing shit like this that make us have to live on the edge it’s like if he doesn’t perceive it as a challenge he’ll up the anti to test himself. I know a lot of you are going through so much more and this probably sounds ridiculous. I just am tired of him hanging out with people who drink all the time and convincing himself he had to put himself in situations that could seriously compromise his sobriety and our relationship. I don’t know how to handle this.


#2

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s tough. Each time my daughter has been clean she does great for a bit, then puts herself in situations that are not healthy for her recovery. Like your SO, she starts to hang out with old friends who drink and party, etc. There’s nothing I can do to keep her from making those choices. I have asked her, in the past, if she discussed her choice of environment with her sponsor. Lecturing her or pleading with her is a waste of my time. She doesn’t want to hear it, she likes her friends and she’s not in a place to recognize (or admit :woman_shrugging:t2:) that she keeps repeating the insanity.
Stay strong and take care of you :heart:️:sunflower:


#3

Hi @ayisha - welcome back. :slight_smile: Man, sometimes I feel almost thankful that my husband’s issue is with heroin and not so much alcohol… at least he doesn’t have needles and baggies shoved in his face anytime he wants to be social. It has to be so hard for alcoholics when we live in a culture that so normalizes alcohol consumption, to the point where if it’s weird if you’re not drinking in a social situation. And hard for us, the loved ones, who just want to protect them once they’re finally in recovery. Try to look at it from a different perspective. Your SO is probably in a really difficult situation, where all of his friends and coworkers are still in this drinking culture. He may be relearning how to be social without the loosening, anxiety-reducing effects of alcohol. It’s hard enough to be sober, and then to add having to make all new friends on top of that, and answer people’s questions about not drinking. I’m not an alcoholic and I don’t drink, but I find myself drinking in certain situations simply because I feel like it would be weird if I didn’t. And I know that’s my issue and I shouldn’t care what other people think etc. but it’s still there. So that’s gotta be 100x harder for a recovering alcoholic to have to deal with.

Now of course I don’t know your full story or your SO’s background, but that’s just what I took away from your post. Here’s a question - did he actually drink at the event? Because if not - that’s amazing and that should be celebrated.


#4

@momentsandlight & @Shaelee26 thank you for those perspectives. You’re both right it’s not easy for either of us. I think sometimes I just expect too much and forget to celebrate the wins. He didn’t drink but pretended like he was by smelling the booze. And you’re right our culture has totally normalized the consumption of this toxic substance. He admitted that he wasn’t as strong as he thought he’d be and the social pressure was more then he realized. We talked about why he wouldn’t leave a situation that wasn’t right for him and I think he’s been reflecting on that. You’re right though it’s not easy to make a massive lifestyle change and then try and find new friends. I think sometimes I forget that and think it should be simple. I see him as a people pleaser and that side of him worried me. It makes me feel like he won’t protect his recovery in order to look at certain way to his friends. But I think I need to be better at recognizing the ways he’s winning. I definitely forget that part. So grateful for both your comments and support.