My fiancee went into rehab for alcohol yesterday. Its been 6 months of emotional roller coster since he relapsed. I’m so worried and lost without him here, but our relationship couldn’t continue with the way he was. Hes a wonderful man when sober, everything I could wish for. When hes drunk ges loud, emotionally abusive, unpredictable and delusional. Hes at a great rehab but my new worry is who hes house sharing with. There is 3 of them in the house including another woman of a similar age. It May sound strange but after everything with the alcoholism I’ve lost my trust. This should be the least of my worries but I’m scared and alone and I don’t want anything or anyone to get in the way of us rebuilding our relationship. I read of people forming close bonds and being attracted to one another in rehab as emotions are heightened and an addict can look to replace one thing with another. Can anyone offer me any words of support? I don’t want to mention this worry to my partner as I just want him to get well and come home . Thank you for your support
Hi Jim so sorry you are going through this . My experience with addiction and women is very separate. I do get you can’t trust him with drug/alcohol and that is understandable, but if you can’t trust him with women either then please know your worth please and don’t waste one more day with a man that can’t be 100% faithful after you staying through his addiction rollercoaster!
I hear you acarper74 and thank you. Its a paranoia rather than a fact and I know I need to work on my trust. What is a relationship without trust?! Hes run out of chances with me, and it would be the final straw if he ever cheated. However on the positive he calls me and messages me lovely words through the day ( phones not taken in this rehab) and he says he’s doing this for us so his addiction doesn’t wreck our relationship. He,says he wants to grow old with me and have,a life full of adventures together X
I feel like the lack of trust and your concern for their choices is completely natural and there is nothing wrong with that. Addicts take us on this journey of being constantly in fight or flight mode and it makes it difficult to trust them in any situation, but especially in ones where we aren’t around. I believe that since we have so little control with our partners addiction and how they will manage it we can sometimes develop other ways to feel some sort of control, and creating outcomes for situations is one of those ways. This might not be the case for you, but it definitely is for me.
On another note, since you aren’t married yet maybe this is a time to think about what you want and don’t want in a marriage. I think back to some of the early challenges with my partner and sometimes wonder if I would choose this for myself again, especially in a legally and financially binding way. I also wonder if I would choose to have children with an alcoholic or someone with addiction issues. Life is such a struggle as it is and throwing an addict and all their challenges into the mix can be so overwhelming at times.
Just know that your trust issues are completely valid, and you should be able to communicate those to your partner. And if your partner decides to get involved with someone else either in our out of treatment, then you have a choice in how you want to deal with that, by staying or leaving them. Just remember to see your worth in all of this, and good luck.
Thank you for this lovely reply Sarah. I’m on my own journey of healing and as much as I miss my partner, I need to focus on me right now, and be clear of what I want for myself in the future. Like you say being with a person who is an alcoholic has many challenges. At the moment he’s doing well and I’ve discussed my issues with him and he has reassured me that he is only interested in his recovery and getting home. He says hes doing it for our future. He also told me he has the same worries of losing me/ cheating whilst he’s away as he knows he’s put me through a lot. Im feeling more positive than i was. However we need to do the work to build trust again. Thank you for saying my issues are valid, I really appreciate your support. I see my worth and I wouldn’t put up with anymore dishonesty or heartache. Thank you again and good luck to you also x