Why is it so hard to speak the truth about my loved one's drinking?



Hi all, some quick history about my situation–I’m married to an alcoholic. We’ve been together for 16 years, the drinking started 10 years ago. I also grew up with alcoholic parents.

Something I really struggle with is speaking the truth about what is happening. If I go in our bedroom, and it smells like alcohol, I won’t say anything. If she seems manic or talking nonsense, I won’t say anything. If she’s highly emotional/angry, I won’t say anything. Inside, I am saying A LOT. But I don’t actually say anything to her. And I think that causes a lot of problems because I just keep it all inside.

I am fairly confident this is rooted in the fact that I grew up with alcoholic parents. The drinking and the fighting and the passing out was something we literally never discussed in my house when I was little. So I suspect that is what is keeping me from speaking up now. But I don’t know how to get past that.

Any thoughts or suggestions? Can anyone relate?


My husband drinks in a way that concerns me right now. It’s not his worst vice of previous years but I know what he uses it for. Anyway. I can relate to the not wanting to bring it up - he hates to be called out for it. In fact on Monday this week I got so mad at him for buying massive beers that he wouldn’t drink them around me, asked me if I still loved him, and then the next night I returned home to have him downstairs playing pool - aka avoiding me so he could drink in peace.

It’s a tough one. The rule of thumb is to wait til they’re sober and ask for permission to talk and use positive communication tips when you do, but that can be really hard to wait for and I myself can’t always hold myself back.

Are there sober times when you can talk with her?


@aloneikeepthewolves thanks for sharing, sending :heart:

In case any of these resources on conversation tips are useful take a look below. Let me know if anything here is helpful at all.


I found that I couldn’t speak the truth with my sister about her drinking. I had no idea she was drinking as much as she was and when I finally realized it and tried to help her, she resented me for it and we don’t have a relationship any longer. If the person doesn’t want help, there is nothing that can be said or done that will help.