Why has my boyfriends addiction made me so insecure i dont understand why im still taking it so personal when hes using he pushes me away as well as his Best friend and father he will just disappear for a few days or even a week or two and then show up and while hes away i of course worry non stop but also I feel insecure like im not good enough and thats why he does it or he doesnt love me thats why he does it i cant stand that feeling of self blame and i dont understand why i do it
It’s completely normal and common for those of us living addicts to blame ourselves. But we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it and we can’t cure it. All we can do is take care of what we do have control over - ourselves - while also trying to motivate positive changes in our loved ones. I used to wonder what was wrong with me that made my husband choose to use by himself in the garage instead of spend time with me. It took a lot of self work and therapy to realize that it wasn’t about me. He was isolating himself because to escape his own feelings. Of course before I started looking inward at my own behaviors I wasn’t exactly helping the situation, which is where our self work becomes helpful. Sending love your way.
Thank you so much for your resposnse I appreciate it more than you can imagine this is all so knew to me before I got with him i was such a confident person and at peace with myself I was at a very positive point in my life and had learned to love everything about myaelf I no longer seen flaws in myself when i got with him he lifted me up even higher in the beginning and made me feel so special and so beautiful inaide and out when i started realizing he had a problem and he opened up slowly over the past 7 or 8 months it has destroyed my self confidence it has made me depressed when ive never dealt woth depression in the past now its a struggle to get out of bed some days or even look at myself i pick at every little thing about myself because i feel like he doea not want me hes not attracted to me he doeant want to spend time with me he doesnt love me anymore and it all stems from him disappearing to use he won’t use around me and he has so mich guilt and shame when hes using he runs and hides and in my head i know he only disapoears when using because of the shame and guilt he doesnt feel like he deserves me or love when hes in that dark place but even though i know that I still blame myself and think im not good enough for him at times I want to just walk away because it has tore my self esteem completely to shreds but then i think i love this man I cant give up on him if i give up on him i know he. Will give up on his self and will guve up the fight to get better because then he wont have a reason to fight and i despise that i want him to realize he needs to fight for himself not just me he deserves a clean happy life with or without me this has been the darkest pkint in my life im comfused beyond measure everyday is a learning experience and im trying to overcome the damage this has done to myself i cant help him and be supportive the way he needs if im broken myself thank you again for your kimd words love and light to you
It’s natural to want them to act like a rational human being but unfortunately addiction hijacks the brain impairing their rewards systems, making it hard for them to get pleasure outside of the substance while also impairing their reasoning and decision-making - in other words, it is absolutely not a reflection of you.
Logic like this won’t necessarily cure the hurt, but hopefully the context does help a bit
@Kiersten I feel everything you are saying SO hard. When my fiancé and I got together it was like a fairy tale. We brought out the best in each other, he loved me for exactly who I was, encouraged me to grow, supported me, cheered me on, and made me feel like the most special person in the world. We connected on a heart level like nothing I’d ever experienced.
It became clear to me after a few months that he had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, which was hard to spot because we drank quite a lot together. Since we talked about it, about 1.5 years ago, I have been struggling with anxiety as well, and feeling unworthy, feeling like the cause of his problem (or as though there’s something I could be doing differently to help him get better.)
This is NORMAL, but I keep reminding myself that the addiction existed before we named it, it is just out in the open now, like an exposed wound.
I think the reason there are so many of us on this forum loving people with addiction is because those who tend to suffer with substance abuse are deeply feeling people who long to connect in a way that scares them/makes them feel uncomfortable. They numb this with substance, but underneath it’s still there. I believe so strongly that my fiancé is worth fighting for and I can see how many positive changes and small steps he’s been able to take over time.
Something that has REALLY helped with my anxiety is writing out daily positive affirmations in the morning. I set my alarm for 1/2 an hour earlier, roll over in bed, grab a notebook and write 2 pages of good things about myself/goals that I have/encouragement:
“I am strong”
“I am worthy of love”
“I am loved”
“I am fearless”
“I always approach conflict with love and empathy”
“I am enough”
It feels weird at first, but The more you flood your brain with these positive thoughts, the more your brain starts to believe them. You were that confident person once, and it’s possible to get back to that AND support your bf as he works to heal his own pain. You will feel better, and you will be a much stronger support for him as well.
Sending love and light <3