While I work on me, can I worry about him?

ask-a-professional
relationship
self-care

#1

Me and my boyfriend parted ways almost a week ago. His choice of drug was cocaine and he would always mix it with alcohol. We’ve known each other for two years, we have been off and on a couple times talking and took a break once while we were dating. His recovery has been off the wall, while I wouldn’t call it his recovery anymore, I think he’s stepped back into active addiction. It got so bad back in May where he realized he needed to stop because he emotionally hurt me, so he went maybe 6 weeks and was sober the whole time, but since then, he chooses to at least do it 1-2 times a week.

Last week, last Wednesday and Thursday, it was his toughest time yet. He went and bought a bag and then hid it on me and lied to me, yet I always figure out when he does it. He’ll mute his location and stop talking to me, he always makes sure he’s available to call me on lunch but when he’s buying, he doesn’t and he’s no where to be found. But Wednesday he did it and I told him the time before this that I would have to step away if he did it again because he’s a whole different person, a cruel person, he’s honestly ALL over the place. We fought while I was at work, then I came home and he had surprises waiting for me, like a coffee and some snacks. I honestly just got ready for bed.

Thursday is a WHOLE different story. Thursday we fought so bad that he called me names and he told me that he hated me and that he didn’t care if he lost me. He went out with his friend and made her bring him to his dealers house and he bought FOUR bags. We fought up until 2, then we like calmed down and then he went off the grid. His phone died and he ended up passing out. Well his friend told me that the cocaine he had bought was laced with fentanyl which isn’t good. When I got home he had been sleeping since 2:30. I like JOLTED him up and made him move up on the bed. I kept waking him up almost every hour on the hour until I fell asleep at like midnight. He slept until 8am Friday.

I went to work and he was feeling like CRAAAAAP to say the least. He was apologizing, he was telling me how much he loved me, he told me that if I really didn’t want to be with him that he would make another living arrangement but that’s not what I wanted. I wanted him, I wanted to battle this together.

Monday, I guess he hid 2 of the 4 bags that he bought from Friday and ended up doing it while I was at work and I KNEW he was doing it by the way he was texting and the way he would change the subject and make NO SENSE. I came home from work and I told him that I needed space and that he needed to leave because even my mother was getting suspicious of the whole thing. He talks A LOT when he is high and he just makes no sense and has so many different subjects to talk about. Well after telling him to leave, he sat on the bed and then I yelled at him to leave in his face (I regret that now) he ended up kicking me in my chest and got on the floor and tried to choke me. I know that there is NO reason that is even remotely okay but the boyfriend I know, he would’ve never done that.

I ended up talking a restraining order on him because he needs to get help, but he has to want it first. He has to see that it’s better to be sober than to be high. I love him, he’s my world. We were planning a future together. Saving for cars and an apartment, saving for a wedding, he was planning on proposing around our anniversary, we were trying to conceive. We cannot have any contact until September of 2022 unless I terminate it.

Will it get easier? Do you think he’ll still love me in a year? Will he move on? Is it okay that while working on myself I’m worrying about him? Will he come back to me? Is it easier said than done to have someone get sober? Is it bad that I didn’t tell his grandparents who he’s living with that he’s not sober? Do you think they would believe me anyways? Am I wrong in what I did?

I’m just so hurt because I didn’t want it to end this way, I didn’t want it to end at all and I hope he comes into my life again in a different chapter and things have changed…


#2

Your story is almost identical to mine. My husband and I have been together 16 years and this has been a constant pain in our relationship. You’ve made the move I can’t seem to make. I have 2 kids wrapped up in the middle. You’ve done the right thing. I speak from experience when I say bringing children into an addicts life is one of the worst choices you will ever make. I thought children would make him stronger to stop but an addiction always takes priority. Well done for making a difficult choice which is the right one for you. Xx


#3

Thank you for your kind words, I’m still trying to see it as a good choice, instead of a big mistake. I truly hope that a year can either help us or hurt us. I truly love him and I want him to get the help he needs, but I obviously know that it will only be when he’s ready for it.

It sucks because he shuts down. He doesn’t deal with his feelings or even talk about them, so he moves on so quickly and I know he’s been on the dating apps. Yet he keeps me everywhere and has all the pictures of me still.

I just really hope he isn’t with anyone when the time is right and the order is dropped…