When will it get easier?

ask-a-professional
worries
alcohol

#1

I met my boyfriend around the beginning of COVID. When I met him, he admitted to me that he used cocaine and of course he is mixing it with alcohol. He had been doing it since 2012/2013. We stopped talking for a little then got really close and built a big connection through the phone, cause we couldn’t see each other in person. He was deep into his addiction and I actually had to stop talking to him because he would blow up my phone, ask me for money for food, and just be ridiculous. He eventually got an OUI and didn’t have a car for awhile. They had one, then his mom sectioned him in August of 2020. He came out around October 2020. He jumped into a relationship that failed and the we started dating.

Fast forward to December 2020, he reached out to me and I was so happy. Things were good for about to two weeks and he was giving me signs that he used because I could tell his by his texts and his slurred words on the phone. So he slipped up there, then I think another time for a whole weekend with his cousin but I put blinders on and I was okay. He moved in the end of January. Things were good but I had never been with an addict and I’ve never been with someone who wanted me so much and I needed space.

He went to live with his best friend in CT for awhile. While having to take pop up drug tests and everything. He came back on my birthday in the middle of March. From that point on it’s been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Every week he would be getting high. He would recuperate and detox then go back to doing it less than a week later. Then he was sober for about a month and a half and went back doing it all over again.

The one rule of him moving in with me was him continuing his sobriety and staying on the right path. I kept lying to his family and my family about his addiction and telling them he’s sober when he wasn’t. My last straw, my breaking point was this past Monday. I told him he needed to leave and he couldn’t be in the house with drugs and my mom was noticing things. I was yelling when I shouldn’t have been, in his face. I sat in the bed for a break because my back was hurting. He kicked me in my chest and then tried choking me because I was showing him that it wasn’t okay.

He likes playing victim. I’m 25, I live with my mom to help pay bills. So my mom found out and made me get a restraining order. A no contact order. I feel like I’ve made a big mistake because I want him back in my life. The order is affective till September of 2022. Did I make the wrong choice? Is he my right person wrong time? I love him. I truly love him. He became my person and I became his. I cant throw almost two years down the drain.


#2

No, you most certainly did NOT do the wrong thing. Things sounded like they were going really fast and getting out of control, you needed to apply the emergency brakes. You admit he was verbally attacking you (followed in short order by physically) and I detect some serious self-blame. On top of that you’ve already become his accomplice by lying and covering for him among the many other ways he was attaching to you like a parasite. I don’t use the term “parasite” flippantly, but it’s clear he needed you much more than you needed him. What you saw, experienced, and were told by him was the tip of the iceberg, I guarantee it. It will get much worse, the addiction(s) will become stronger, the lies will become more embedded, the excuses and abuses more pronounced. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you, but addicts need someone to provide shelter for their use and they’ll shamelessly lie to, cheat on, and steal from that person until they are sucked dry. Don’t get caught up in the great lie of “the one”— there are other men you can connect with, fall in love with, and build a life with. If he’s to be in your future, he has to earn his place there, get the help he needs, get his life together, make right from his wrongs, and pursue you from a place of strength. Then you can decide if you want to move forward together, but understand it’s a very long, difficult road. You’re young and need to enjoy life. I know you feel immense guilt turning him loose to take care of his problems, but instead you need to see it as the best thing you could have done for him- you’re setting him free to fix himself, which is his only chance of survival. Stop seeing yourself as the villain, turning your back on your true love when he’s crying out for help; instead, accept that this is reality, some things you cannot change, you are only responsible for your own health and happiness. Getting enmeshed in his life and his problems is a huge mistake at this time. I really hope I don’t come across as cold toward your situation. The truth is I get what you’re going through, the turmoil of feelings, the strength of that bond you feel guilt over severing…. My sixteen year marriage was a gaslit mess that I felt like some warrior queen fighting to hold together, but when I look back I see the lie I was living, the shadows I was fighting, and all the time blaming myself if I didn’t slay the numerous “dragons”. It left me worn out, broke, and feeling like a fool, raising three kids alone (in the marriage he was never around, and after he completely disappeared and provides no financial assistance). He’s a POS, no doubt, but the blame is on me too. I’ve always dated addicts. Not purposefully! I’m usually completely in the dark until we’ve formed a connection, then I become their personal shrink which makes me feel needed and thus cements the bond. Yikes. Then going through all the drama knocks me off my mental equilibrium so much that I actually feel grateful to take them back after being treated terribly. No more for me, thanks! Just remember: the relationship rollercoaster is like our own addiction, you need to see the danger in it and turn away before things get even more out of hand, not just with this one guy but with all the potential ones in the future. Two years wasted is nothing in the scheme of things.


#4

Don’t beat yourself up! It’s all very understandable. You formed a bond, you were vulnerable with each other, you saw an image of your future with him and it was beautiful; now life doesn’t seem to make sense moving forward solo, it’s like that dreamscape vision has been replaced with a wasteland. I totally get it. What helped me let go after the collapse was getting involved in AlAnon, working through my dependency issues as they involve my over willingness to attach to addicts. Talking helps. Also, pick up some interesting self-analysis workbooks. I think you’re an introspective, feeling person, right? You care deeply and maybe over analyze many things, that’s why the world not making sense kinda sends you into a tailspin? Workbooks were my biggest help, they put my thoughts in order, gave me some respite from the sadness through creative writing. Don’t even bother finding someone to replace your boyfriend. There’s no reason to “move on” if you’re not ready, even if ppl around you push. You can let go without trying to fill that void with another man ASAP. Instead, fill it with friends and good times. Don’t focus on waiting for him to recover so that he can come sweep you away when he’s ready— switch that around. He’s on your time from now on. If someone else finds their way into your heart in the meantime, you’ll know. Take the pressure off yourself.


#3

I know, I know two years doesn’t seem like much. He just became such a big part of me. I know for a fact that physical abuse is NEVER okay. In the matter of two years, we’ve accomplished so much, but also had so many downfalls. He’s the person I came home to, he’s the person I confided in, he’s the person I woke up and fell asleep to, he was my other half. Maybe, that’s why it’s so hard to accept everything that’s happened. I just know deep down inside he could be so strong, he can conquer the addiction and be on the road to recovery. I know he loved me, I know that. It’s fresh, it’s very fresh and I can’t seem to stop crying. There could possibly be other men in the future, it’s just hard. The man I planned a future with, talking about getting pregnant, made plans on saving for an apartment, and just getting better. Time heals everything and it’s gonna take awhile for this to heal. I’ve never had to take out a restraining order in my life and I’ve never actually witness anyone doing it themselves. I didn’t feel like enabler at the time, but I’m starting to see that I was. I’m just going thru heartbreak and everything else that happened. Am I stupid when a year is up and I want to be with him still? Do I wait until I know that he is on the road to recovery? I’m trying to get better.