When is enough enough?

ask-a-professional
communication
relationship

#1

I have been with my S/O for almost 5 years. The last 3 his addiction has become nothing but a cyclone that keeps hovering! I have 3 girls my youngest is from our relationship she is almost 2. He has missed so much of her life thus far, it breaks my heart. I have gotten him into detox treatment, rehab live in facility, half way houses, sponcers, taken him to countless meetings and even sat in with him on a bunch. He knows the AA book forwards and backwards, the same for the bible. He knows every thing he needs to do to stay sober and still chooses to keep relapsing! I just cant understand it. His family has basically pawned him off on me and wont help or even believe me when i do reach out to them, even though they know his history with addiction. They continue to enable him every time! Im struggling to walk away…I now know and believe firmly in my heart that I can’t help him anymore and I have to put my girls and myself before anything and everything. But how do you walk away when you care so much and filled with so much fear that he will end up dead bc he has no one else speaking truth in his ear?


#2

@Ccamacho24 Been there, it’s so tough to walk away. I tried many times and went back before I finally stuck to it. And that’s okay. Each time I stayed, I chose not to judge myself for it. It was all part of my path.

What helped me to let go was to see that even when I was trying my hardest to keep him sober, I “failed”. Because it was never in my power, it was always up to him. So, I asked myself, if I leave, will it be my fault if he keeps using? No. If I stay, will I be able to keep him from using? No.

Either way, I can’t control his behavior. So I chose to set some boundaries for myself and leave his life up to him. And yes, he has relapsed since we split up, but he’s also fine. Same as when we were together.

It’s not my job to fix or change him. My job is to just love him, no matter what. And right now I’m loving him from a distance, because it’s up to me to create my own happiness. :heart:


#3

Ccamacho24. I was in the same situation, with 4 children living in the Projects of East Los Angeles. I was pregnant when, after constant efforts asking, begging, pleading with him to get help. Finally, still pregnant, i asked, “Don’t you love me?” He replied, “I don’t know.” I then gathered his clothes and belongings and threw them out the front door. No, it wasn’t easy, especially since I was on maternity leave and knew I would not receive child support. And, he WAS my children’s father, who I loved. Then, when I had a boy, (my other 3 are girls) who loved and missed their daddy. He made a great effort to reconcile, told me he was “clean” and, I let him move back in. He then moved us into a truly beautiful neighborhood away from the most supportive friend I’d ever had. Then. I found that he was not only still addicted to drugs, but to sex as well. When my friend came to visit, after hearing this she said, “Well Jeri. There is one of him and five of you.” She had FIVE children and had just ended her 13 year marriage to her heroin addict husband. A lightbulb lit up in my head. I immediately called my husband and said, “I just found out that you tried to molest our, (very young) live-in baby sitter” Yes, she confided in my neighbor who told me. “and I know you’re still using. Don’t come here except to pick up your things. They’ll be in the front yard.” I did not mention our bed, which I threw out as well. Once I hung up the phone I felt so Right, Powerful, Indepentant and FREE! He came by the next day, another example of his interest in our family. However, he was DEVASTATED when he saw the bed. Obviously he planned to return…in time. To me? This was hilarious🤣 I thought of nothing but my kids. His erratic behavior had a negative effect on them. Once he was gone, we stepped forward with love, fun and a beautiful life. I worked four jobs, did massive amounts of volunteering with Caesar Chavez, Ed and Bobby Kennedy and several years on the original HIV/AIDS Hotline for Southern California. This would not have happened had their father been a significant influence in our lives. Today they are independent and sussesful. Put you and them first. The Universe will respond.