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Recently, I’ve been exhausted and depressed from the multiple relapses and slips I have seen with my boyfriend. I’m starting to lose hope and I just keep waiting for him to slip every time he’s better and I feel guilty that I don’t trust him to get better. I’m sure it’s frustrating for him too. How do we encourage and motivate our addicted loved one when we ourselves have lost motivation?
I can relate to this. I’m starting to learn the signs Usually a relapse will start a few days after my boyfriend says ”I’ve never felt happier than I do now and I have absolutely no desire to use.” The first coupe of times I was so happy to hear this, but now I know it means he’s in slippery territory. I am trying to love with detachment that I’ve learned about in al-anon. It’s difficult to do, especially for people like me, who have learned from an early age that love means to worry, to obsess, or trying to save/change the other person. I have to say that I’m doing better for each relapse. I’m at the point now where I think i might just have to live with the relapses, and accept that it is part of being in a relationship with this person. It doesn’t mean it will always be that way, but I can’t afford (emotionally) to have certain hopes and expectations and continue to be disappointed. I am not willing to get on that emotional roller coaster anymore. His relapse doesn’t have to be my relapse. So I focus on things I can control - playing with my son, taking dance classes, calling friends, breathing, planning a trip, taking a walk in the woods, and find ways to release emotions (often I cry the whole walk in the woods and then I can come back and not yell at my kid for no particular reason). It takes discipline. I’m learning and taking one day/hour/minute at a time. Someone told me that I might try to find a place where there’s no hope or hopelessness - a neutral place. Sounded harsh at first, but maybe there’s something to that.
Thanks @jane. He will be out of town next week actually because he will be at a work conference with his mom and sister. I think it will be a great time for me to just reset and refresh my mind and energy.
@Selfcare31 when I find myself getting overwhelmed and reacting in ways I later wish I hadn’t, it can be an indicator that I’m being stretched beyond my limits. So #1 is Self Care. Maybe taking a holiday from the situation, can you perhaps plan to get some space and take care of yourself and return with a bit more patience and perspective? Ask someone to stand in for you while you get a break (however short or long.) Also, having the support of others can be really beneficial for both of you!