What to do when he has lost trust in me?

cocaine
marijuana

#1

My boyfriend and I have been dating for many years. We are in our early thirties now. He struggled with marijuana addiction for as long as I can remember. In the last two years he started using cocaine on a daily-basis. He stopped smoking marijuana a few months back and have since increased the amount of cocaine he takes daily. Lately he’s been saying that he has lost trust in me. He his convinced in his head I cheated on him repeatedly. He made up stories in his head, links between events and situations that are unrelated. I have always been honest and faithful to him. I am confused on how to approach the situation. I also found out a few days back that he has been cheating on me for the last year. When I confronted him, he repeated that he lost trust in me and said he won’t admit anything until I come clean. Is it common for an individual who is addicted to cocaine to lost trust in his loved ones? How do I go about this situation? I am defending myself for things I haven’t done and he won’t hear it. He gave me no apologies for his misbehaving as if his lost of trust in me justify his actions. We live together but I asked him for some space so we are currently staying in separate locations. Any advices would be appreciated.


#2

Going to reply back more in depth to this but wanted to say real quick that in my current situation with my addict bf, he definitely projects his own guilt and conscience onto me by blaming me of the things he himself is actually guilty of. It stems from their own internal shame. His mind in active addiction tells him that if you’re the bad guy too his own behaviors are acceptable/justified. There’s tons of material and knowledge on this topic within this community that I will reference when I get back to thislater today!


#4

Thanks for the helpful insight @Laceytbowen <3


#5

Thank you! I will be looking forward for the reference materials. New development today he told me he has been in love with both of us equally for many years and now he’s ready to tell me. He hasn’t apologized for cheating on me and shown any compassion for how I am feeling. He didn’t came clean about the other woman by himself, I found out and then confronted him. He then said he’s ready to forgive me (i guess for the things he think I did but I haven’t) and start fresh. When I asked him if that new beginning would involves only me he was sort of evasive and never actually answered the question. At this point I feel very hurt and betrayed. I still love him deeply but I feel like all the love I gave him, all the energy I put in our projects, in our life together, he actually was only putting half of himself and he was never fully involved in our relationship. At this moment, I feel like I need to stand for myself, end this relationship and move on. Can his behaviour be a consequence of his addictions or is he just a dishonest and selfish man? Have any of you experienced something similar where cheating was involved because of the drugs? Thanks


#7

My loved one began with marijuana in his highschool years until he had such bad paranoia he had to stop. He moved onto gambling. That got cleared up and then fast forward years until cocaine took over. I knew him during the cocaine years and the paranoia was nuts.

I think what you are describing is paranoia when it comes to ‘losing trust in you’. In my loved one I saw him lose trust in the world! Thinking people were listening to him in the walls etc.

So all that to say, I think that paranoia can be a ‘normal’ response to using these drugs heavily or over a prolonged period of time.

As for the cheating, all I know is that when someone is caught in addiction their ability to make good decisions and stick with them is physically impaired in the brain and that that takes time to heal.

How are the conversations between you on concerns about his health and wellbeing and his substance use?


#6

Thanks for the update @Abe I’ve made it a standalone post to make sure the new question gets seen :slight_smile:


#8

Hi Jane, thanks for sharing your story. The paranoia has been very present in the last few months.
Even now that he, at least I think he has, stopped the drugs and seek help, the paranoia is still present. As I mentioned before, we are currently living separately and only talking on the phone. Almost every conversations, he will bring up the topic of cheating and share information that he think are proof of my misbehaviour. He will say thing like : I can feel there is a man in your bedroom right now. Although I try to explain to him rationally that his claims have no proof-basis, there is nothing I can say that make him believe me. He keep repeating that he lost trust in me and I am not sure on which basis he lost trust on me as I don’t feel like I did anything that could lead to him having doubts on my behaviours. I think this is all drugs related.

Lately, I have a hard time focusing only on his health as I am currently emotional drained and hurt by his behaviour. He is seeking help from what I understood and he is reading about addiction and withdrawal symptoms. He mentioned that he hasn’t felt any emotions for at least a year and he’s now regaining emotions for himself but still cannot feel emotions toward others. He said he want to leave the addictions behind and start his life and our life fresh. It’s difficult for me to be there for him as I feel like he betrayed me and he himself hasn’t been there for me for a very long time. I has mentioned wanted to stop the drugs many times in the past and all attempts have failed. I guess my hopes for him to recover and become a responsible and respectful adult are very low now. I did draw the line with him though saying for me a life with him while he was using drugs wasn’t possible anymore.