My husband was admitted into detox for methamphetamine addiction 6 days ago. Phone calls have been sporadic and he has been irritable and cranky when he has called. I understand he’s detoxing and miserable so I try not to take it personally…but the last two times he’s called he has told me he wants to leave and wants me to pick him up. We live an hour and half away from the facility and the first time he packed and “left” he was intercepted by his counselor at the elevator and decided to stay. I just got another “come get me” demand phone call and it is breaking my heart to think he is scared and wants to come home and I’m just leaving him there and I’m also afraid that he will leave and if I don’t pick him up he will call a drug buddy to pick him up instead…(which terrifies me). The Detox Tech told me he is being moved to Residential Care today. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. Do I agree to pick him up so he is at least home w me and not picked up by his “dope man”? Will he likely feel better in Residential so I should just ride this out? I’m gonna be honest…I have fear that he will feel abandoned by me at his worst moment in life and hate me for it.
Hi @Sara - recovery is tricky isn’t it…
I wonder if you’re able to speak with his counselor there? That might help to bridge the conversation with him and boost a bit of support to encourage that he stays.
I also wonder about his history in any kind of treatment or recovery (is this something that has or hasn’t worked in the past) and his motivation to get into recovery (these are things to remind him of)?
It’s often a phenomenal amount of effort to get there in the first place, and yes, it is tough to stick through, but so much better on the other side. If possible I’d keep encouraging he stays just a bit longer, he might really enjoy residential - my husband did - might be able to finally relax and be taken care of.
Is he reason-able-with?
Hi Jane. A million thanks for replying. In answer to your questions… He used methamphetamine for almost 2 years in college at 19/21years old. We met, fell in love and he quit cold turkey (ie: no professional program or meetings…just Jesus.)…so we could get married. He was stone cold sober for almost 25 years, building and running a successful business. Hard times and overwhelming stress happened and a freak opportunity to use presented itself. He relapsed after almost 25 years. He has never been in treatment or a program. This relapse hit hard and heavy like an Oklahoma Twister…obliterating nearly everything and all of us. This drug is a monster and took over my husband like a demon. I didn’t even recognize him anymore. So…his main motivators for seeking help were basically him not being able to control it the way he did so many years ago…and also due to nearly losing us…his wife and his girls…our family. He was living his worst nightmare…and…to be honest…living w him was becoming mine. He’s my best friend and I love him w my whole heart. It just hurts so bad seeing him struggle and be scared and feeling like I’ve just abandoned him there.
My wife has been there 4 times now. I have done both of the following. 1 believed she was different caved in and picked her up (trips 1 and 2. 9 days and 16 days respectively). Shockingly nothing changed after those 2 trips. Last time I refused. We got counseling together at the facility. She got individual counseling. The change was noticeable and she was clean for 6 months. She did relapse recently and is back in again as we speak. I think this time she knew better than to ask lol.
Recovery is not easy, it’s awesome he made it there and is there and trying <3
It’s good he has some strong motivators and that he’s managed to get through this before. Remind yourself and him that him being there is a great act of love and togetherness, and not abandonment.
One technique we use from CRAFT is a try it and see method, this rehab stint is not going to last forever, let’s try it and see. If it doesn’t work we can try something else, BUT since he’s already there, see it through and if he deems it not for him after. THEN you’ll try something else, together.
It’s also common that when they eventually make it into treatment we can feel pretty raw because we’ve been there the whole time, we’ve achieved this ultimate goal, and now they are getting help and what is there for us? We just have to keep going as if everything is cool? I remember that was so hard for me. This Course we’ve designed is a great companion for this stage of the journey for you, and a foundational principle is the proven communication techniques (lesson 2.) I think you’ll find it really useful for what you’re going through now and what lies ahead with your husband, see more HERE
Thanks for sharing @gunpuppin in my experience the healing in recovery takes SO long, for my husband the first year in recovery was super rocky (aka relapse, intense depression) and now 5 years on its the first year he hasn’t had a major relapse and every year, despite slips, he has taken major leaps forward in healing. Everyone’s recovery journey is different but I believe this healing takes time - and I don’t recall ever getting that advertisement on addiction (or maybe I didn’t pay attention.)
The brain needs time to heal, this we know. Have you considered joining our course? (The Group Course just got started in a new cycle so it’s a fantastic time to join us.) It can be a good time while they’re in treatment to use some of the space we have to pick up on proven skills. We’d love to support you more.