THIS. This is why self care is so important. This is why I believe addiction is a family disease - because not only do their behaviors hurt us, but because they start to affect our own behaviors as well.
My husband is a recovering addict and it took a lot of work on myself to learn that the best way to manage expectations is to let them go. I’ve heard in Al-Anon and the recovery community that “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” I had to stop letting my visions of what things were “supposed to look like” take control of my reactions. It wasn’t helping. I just ended up disappointed and resentful when things didn’t go like I thought they would. I learned that I have no control over anything or anyone except myself, so how could I assign certain outcomes to people or situations?
I learned to let go of my expectations of what recovery was supposed to look like. Every recovery is different. Recovery is not linear. There will be slips and relapses. Change is hard for anyone, and instead of seeing his slips as a failure, I tried to see the positive. He wanted to get clean. He was working at it but it was just difficult for him. I learned to replace expectations with trust - trust in myself and in a higher power that even if things don’t turn out the way I think or expect them to, it’s going to be ok. I have hope and faith. I am grateful for progress, not perfection.
I hope you find my story helpful. I know every story is different, and it’s extremely difficult when your loved one is in active addiction. I hope you’re able to find peace.