What do you do when your son wants to come home. As an recovering addict he does not need to be in home town. Right now he lives 7 hrs away. But is dealing with depression. He has dr apt today. I drove 7 hrs to be there with him. Him coming home is not good. Breaks my heart that i have to say no. I am afraid he us going to hurt himself. I plan on telling the dr about this if he lets me in fir his appointment.
Hey there, @Bultmancd, I’ve recently experienced a similar situation, but with my brother who is in recovery moving back home to NYC after living in Israel for 15+ years. It’s certainly very difficult to make this decision, but it sounds like you are providing him with a lot of support (making the 7 hour drive to be with him for his doctor appointment), and understandable that you may not want him to come home.
What I hear you saying is:
You are struggling with the decision to have your son come home which you don’t want, while also being sensitive to the fact that his mental health is getting worse at the moment, and you may need to provide more support than you want.
Our professional perspective on this is that we can help while setting boundaries:
Part of this is knowing our personal limits. It is really important that we do look after ourselves so we don’t burn out and can stay engaged in the long run towards recovery.
Knowing our limits helps, because while you can’t control another person’s behavior, you can learn to notice what’s coming, how you’re feeling about it, and take an action that is in your control before a situation gets messy or messier - and it increases your resilience to stay engaged and connected when you want to.
Let’s practically apply it:
Understanding your limits gives you power to no longer live at the effect of someone else’s actions. You get to live by choices instead of reactions. For example, you can make a mindful, properly thought out choice to let your son stay with you or not, instead of an impulsive reaction to say ‘no’ because that’s what feels right or say ‘yes’ because of your fear for what will happen if he doesn’t move back home.
Let me ask you a few clarifying questions:
Does the concern with him being home stem from potential triggers (people, places, things)?
What is his support system like where he lives?
Does he want to come home because of the depression, or is something else going on?
Please ‘comment’ below so we can continue this dialogue, @Bultmancd. I’m here & happy to help!
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