Welcome new We The Village Family Study members, let's get to know one another


#19

I am also not sure how to post on here either. My boyfriend is currently in rehab to recover from a heroin relapse, we met when we was younger and reconnected last year. After a week of talking he dropped a bombshell that he would be going to rehab for 90 days (sept 2019). After his initial 30 days we was able to talk and FaceTime and I felt such a strong feeling for him that I decided I wanted to go visit him, after that visit I knew he had so much potential and I wanted to see this through with him. He came home December 18 everything was great until he started declining. Not taking his meds not doing meetings. First week of February he went in for corrections and failed a drug test in which they sent him him to jail and from there straight back to the rehab he attended last year for another 90 days. I don’t want to turn my back on him but at the same time I have so many goals for this year and his only goal is to be clean, which I respect and encourage all the way through, after his 90 days he will be going into sober living for 6 months which I hope will help. I myself just don’t want to get stuck in my own addiction of saving him.


#21

Hi @Amber - you’re in the right place. I’m glad your boyfriend is getting the help he needs. Unfortunately when our loved ones finally ask for support, go into rehab, start treatment, etc., it’s typically not a one-and-done deal. With all of my husband’s ups and downs, slips and relapses, I’ve had to learn how to manage my expectations, and by manage I mean let go of them completely. Recovery is not a straight line, but it is possible!

I hope you don’t have to give up on your goals to support your boyfriend. Is there a way you can still work toward them while being there for him? This is where setting boundaries comes into play - identifying what you will and will not tolerate for your own health and well being, and then sticking to them.

Take care of yourself! Sending love. If you have any questions, post them in this forum. You can also use the Search bar to find discussions on certain topics that you may want to join.


#20

Intro post

Hello,
I’m Kim. I’ve been in recovery for 12 years. I live with my 16 yr old son.
I’m in a relationship, for the second time, with my sons father, Henry. He is a life long practicing addict who does not want to quit. Rather then accept court ordered rehab he will ask to do additional jail time instead. That’s where his head at. I often suspect it’s just a macho front he’s putting on and that sometimes he would like to quit, but that quite possibly is merely wishful thinking on my part.

About a year ago things got worse. At 53. Henry decides to pick up heroine. Something he’s despised his entire life, he never like how it made him feel. But now he’s on it. This is the first drug I’ve ever heard him say he wants to quit. Yet, the days go on and on. I’m in a twisted relationship that I am having the hardest time getting out of. Being in this relationship feels like i’m on drugs again, It’s so messed up and I’m so caught up in it.

What would I like the outcome of this group be? I want to share my experiences and read others to gain a bit of clarity in my life. As for Henry, of course I’d like to see him clean but since H has been in the mix, I just can’t control that or manage it within my life like I had been without it. What I’d like to see is me out of this relationship.
I’ve been down this road before, 30 years ago, Quite honestly there was nothing anyone could do to help me at my worst. I need to remember this and untangle myself from the chaos that I’m obviously addicted to.

What is good? I’m clean, I know I’m not alone. I believe now matter what things looks like that there is always hope, for him and for myself.

I look forward to getting to know you all. Thank you and may you have a peaceful evening.


#22

There’s no controlling or managing someone else’s addiction. I’ve learned that trying to do that will only make me go crazy. We can only control our own reactions, our own way of thinking.

Hope and gratitude are superpowers as we navigate this road. Glad you’re here, @Kimba!


#23

Hi everyone! I’m here for two people in a way, my mother and brother. My mom became addicted to alcohol, opioids, and benzos when I was in my early teens (15 years ago). She has never sought treatment despite losing custody of her 4 kids, being in and out of jail, and practically losing everyone in her life. Growing up, my childhood was the typical “American dream” - gorgeous parents, stay at home mom, successful dad, me and my brother with the golden retriever and white picket fence. So her addiction was a very foreign concept for my family and nobody knew what to do - especially back then, we had none of the resources that are readily at our fingertips now.

My brother has an opioid addiction as a result of being put on painkillers at a young age for debilitating migraines. I think he was around 8 when they started prescribing them to him. He has been to rehab twice and is currently on suboxone and has weekly therapy/counseling meetings. He’s gotten his life back on track for now which I’m incredibly proud of, but I can never quite tell for sure if he’s using other drugs like benzos and stimulants (which he’s also been to rehab for).

I’ve felt isolated and helpless for over half my life because of my mom’s and brother’s addictions, so I’m beyond grateful to be in this community now and supported by everyone else experiencing something similar. I look forward to connecting with everyone and finding strength and comfort within one another!


#28

Hi there. Im Bethany. And my boyfriend is a 23 year old opiate addict. He has ODd twice while with me, and continues to lie about his usage. Ive found every piece of evidence proving he’s using and he still denies. I feel so lost and helpless. This is the man i have planned to marry and grow my family with. And i can’t do that if he continues hiding things from me and lying to me. He’s such a funny, sweet, caring man. But the drugs make him irritable and mean and its slowly killing me. I struggle with severe depression and anxiety and this is throwing me into such a downward spiral, i dont know what to do anymore. Im here to talk to likeminded people, someone with advice, or just someone to listen… im scared.


#24

Hi @ashrae - So glad you’re here. I hope you find peace, hope, and encouragement through this community. You’re not alone!That’s great you brother has found a treatment plan that includes medication and therapy. My husband was on suboxone alone for a long time, and when he relapsed we learned that recovery requires healing mind, body, and spirit. Please ask questions here and let us know how we can support you!


#29

Hi @BethB17, welcome here. It’s totally normal to feel scared, lost, helpless. You’re in a situation where you may feel like you’ve lost control. Please know that you do have control over your own actions and behaviors, and this, in turn, can help your loved one. What are ways you can take care of yourself right now? What I’ve learned through the whole recover process (my husband is a recovering heroin addict) is that often the first step forward is inward. Once I was able to start taking care of myself, I was able to support my husband from a better, healthier place. I hope you’re able to take some time to explore this site, search for questions, and join in other discussion. There’s a lot of wisdom here.


#30

Hello. My husband and I have been married for 32 years and alcohol has been an everpresent issue. There have been times of abstinence. But I look back now and wonder if they really were… He sneaks, he lies, he behaves badly. He has an executive position which requires us to attend many social gatherings. More often than not they end badly with me mortified. The day after he is remorseful and promises it will never happen again. I’ve heard it so many times I no longer believe it. So many lies… I am discouraged, angry, disillusioned, and losing my respect for him. So far he has managed to keep his job and has not had a DUI. But, things are ramping up and I’m afraid it’s only a matter of time. He does not think he has a problem


#32

I often wonder about staying with my husband if he continues to use for so many years. We are at year 10 and I knew there were issues before, but I thought they were normal because we were young. Do you ever wish you would have not stayed? I know we see the good in these people, even when they can’t see it in themselves, but it’s exhausting. I am so worried I’m codependent and not able to see clearly.


#33

So thankful for another support group. We kicked our 19yo son out almost a year ago. He lived in sober living and now is gainfully employed and says he’s been sober ever since. Since he was 16 he’s abused THC, alcohol, and cocaine. My current anxiety is irrational but present. I am scared for his recovery and awaiting his next relapse. He’s seeing old friends that used now. I’m confident he’s not working a program and refuses therapy. Any support/advice is appreciated.


#34

I understand your anxiety. Recovery is precious but fragile. If you are able to have a relationship with him, let him know you are there for him and open the lines of communication. Build trust so that he knows you are there for him if things do go south. Hopefully you can suggest a program or support group of some type. Find one for yourself and maybe use it as a testimony. Be good to yourself!


#35

Thank you for sharing @Bjefferson and wow beautiful response @Girlinthemirror - glad to have you with us.


#36

Hi, I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 27 years. 7 years ago my husband, who was a police officer, was forced to re-sign his position due to political pressure. He has never gotten over it and suffers from depression and anxiety. He uses alcohol to numb the pain. I have tried everything I can think of to help him. He got a DUI with my son in the car. He has been to rehab once. Nothing seems to help. I read about CRAFT and that seemed like a good fit for us so I am trying those principals. It has at least made me feel better because our interactions are more positive.


#37

Hi Steph, Great to have you with us thanks for sharing - you are not alone!
What CRAFT skills are you finding most useful so far?
:heartbeat:


#38

Hi everyone. My husband is struggling with alcohol dependence. He suffered a TBI 2 years ago. Prior to that I would have said he was a heavy drinker. Since his TBI his tolerance for alcohol is . I don;t greatly reduced so now even 1 drink has dramatic effects both physically and behaviorally. I can tell immediately just be looking at him if he has been drinking. I get anxious and feel my stomach knot up every day while I am driving home from work because I don’t know what I am facing when I get there. I am in therapy myself which has helped a lot. He knows it is problem and is willing to get professional help. I just don’t know how to act or respond while he is inebriated. I don’t want to be around him when he is like that.


#40

Hello! When me and my sister were young, our mom died. Since then, I became the motherly figure in my sister’s life. But I hated it. It was hard going to school, then going to work, then coming home to take care of her. She’s only two years younger, it’s not like I was taking care of a toddler. But I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. So I left. I traveled for a year before college and during that whole time, I never spoke to my sister. And when I came home, ready to be her mom again, she only partially needed me. I didn’t find out till two years later, she started doing drugs two months after I left. Fast forward to today and it’s three years. My whole family gets updates on where she is and what she’s doing, because she always comes running to my dad.

Nine months ago, my sister was kicked out. Over the summer, we stopped communicating at all. Four days before she ran off with her ex to go do drugs and overdosed. She’s lucky, she servived it all. But she’s still in that sort of place. She does a week in rehab, then a week out, then comes running to my dad asking for help or a ride to another rehab.

I don’t feel like what’s happening is my fault anymore, but I do feel like it started with me. I should have been there for her when she had to make these decisions. When I got back from traveling, she got wasted a party and made bad decisions. I comforted her and left ibuprofen with water inside out mom’s favorite mug outside her door. I didn’t know that alcohol was the least of our problems. I saw the difference and thought maybe she had just grown into someone else while I was gone.

And now it’s hard. My dad doesn’t want to enable her, so like me, he’s stopped “helping” her. But the last conversation he had with her was telling him that she gets high when she doesn’t feel loved or that when she thinks he doesn’t love her. It could have been a story to get what she needed, to guilt him . But it also could have been true. Now I’m trying to call the rehab center and talk to her and because my dad doesn’t want to be involved, and no one knows what program she’s in. I left my name and number and now I sit in fear waiting but also fearing that the phone will ring. I want to tell her that there’s someone waiting for her to get better, that there is someone who loves her but also doesn’t want to get hurt by her illness. But I’m scared where this will lead. I’m scared to try to start this relationship again when I’ve tried several times since she moved out but every time it leads with guilt and destruction on my part, like I’m the problem by not helping her.


#39

Hey Au1990, I hope that you have an opportunity to join the group. Working with a loved one with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) is no picnic- I’m sure it’s hard for him, too, to adjust to the new constraints. Good luck and so far for me, I consider this a place where I can hunt around the topics and get smarter and gain some empathy and then I have a little more resilience for dealing with my son who is challenging my sweet demeanor… ;:smiling_face_with_three_hearts:


#41

Hi Ivy17- I have two sisters and they are so important to me. Your writing is full of confirmation of how much you love your sister. You are uniquely able to be a source of love for her like no other person in this world. It’s a gift and a burden , and that is our messy liveable life. We don’t always get it easy all the way through things.

Take good care of yourself and I hope that you can join the COURSE because it will go a long way to help you find the words to stay true to yourself while still offering her some strength and confidence in her recovery.


#31