I like many others was the epitome of naive to the strength of grasp heroin addiction can truly hold onto someone struggling with addiction with. I had no concept. Never had a reason to be educated about heroin, heroin addiction, etc.
Then my boyfriend of 3 yrs (1.5 yrs at the time I discovered his secret life of using) came clean to me after a long time of my not understanding what was causing our relationship to be SO DARN FREAKING HARD. Why could we no longer get on the same page with one another? We used to with such ease and effortlessness.
I was gullible and thought since he told me that he’d swoop right into recovery. And he did. Heroin Anonymous, sponser, all the things… for about a month. Then the behavior snuck back in. Little by little.
I finally told his mom of his drug addiction. But he’s now using her as a tool against me. Pulling the strings and telling his own narrative. An untrue narrative.
I stay hyperfocused on him, his behaviors, his mannerisms, his whereabouts, etc. I’ve lost myself and my own sense of agency within all of this. At no fault to anyone but myself. I get that. But I don’t know how to disconnect from the cognitive dissonance I experience trying to “disassociate the person from the addiction”. It’s so hard for me.
I’ve tried compassion, grace, kindness, empathy, threatening, ultimatums, shaming, guilting, blaming, begging, pleading, rage, etc. And NOTHING gets through to him. No matter what he’s saying to my face, there’s a calculated reason for it that benefits his agenda.
I don’t know what else to do. How else to handle this. I don’t want to up and leave. If the shoe was on the other foot, I’d hope someone would stick with me through such a relentless battle. But, at what point does loving him become too heavy? At what point do I run out of love and energy? Is there a threshold I’ll come to? When will that be? Why can’t I seem to get support from his friends and family? Like this isn’t a big deal? Like he couldn’t potentially lose his life. Like that’s not actually very likely to happen?
I’m discouraged, disappointed in him and myself for being such a pushover and falling for his lies even when my heart is screaming to me to not believe him. I’m exhausted. I’m scared for him but also in a selfish way I’m scared this is my life now. Because I am too chicken to leave for fear for him and also due to my own codependency to him and my fear of being alone.
I’m excited to have stumbled across this site. First time I’ve seen anything like this strictly for the family, partner, friends dealing with addicted loved ones.