Should I always give him a ride?

ask-a-professional
methadone

#1

My bf is currently in a treatment program where he takes a daily methadone dose. We have been dating for about 9 months, he has been in treatment there a little over 2 years. About 6 months ago he got a DUI and lost his license. I have since been giving him rides daily to the clinic. He was staying with me but now has to stay in another town about 15 min away. This morning and tomorrow I am going to take him early before I work. Is there a point where I should put my foot down and demand he find another way to get there? Should I always be willing to help him get his dose so he doesn’t go into withdrawal?

He is staying with his family now but might get an apartment soon and it might be in another town (different from where I live, where he lives now, and where the clinic is) but that is really all up in the air so it is kind of a sensitive and stressful topic for both of us to consider.


#2

Great question @shea.

Good on your boyfriend for getting treatment, and good on you for supporting him! To toss it back into your court, my question is: are you willing to help him get his dose so he doesn’t go into withdrawal? “Should” is relative, I think - that’s up to you!

I think as long as you are willing, keep doing it! And pay careful attention to how you’re feeling as you continue on this path. Take care of you, first. That way, you’re able to support him out of the overflow. Can’t pour from an empty cup, ya know?

If it becomes too much - and it understandably might with driving from where you live to where he lives to the clinic, back again, juggling work and errands, etc. - I think it would be a great idea to help him find another way to get there!

Let me know what you think! :relaxed:


#4

Hey @shea! Sharing a thread on letting our loved ones feel natural consequences here that I think will be helpful. My thoughts are he doesn’t take initiative to find rides in advance because he is used to you being there to give him a ride, which, by the way, is totally okay! A lot of supporting a loved one who struggles with addiction is about promoting positive behavioral change to make healthier choices in their lives. One suggestion for finding another ride is Uber/Lyft/Other reasonable car services or getting him a bus route.

I second what @katie said

It seems you did this and realized that his unwillingness to get up made you feel unsatisfied and unappreciated, then upset in the morning which, like you said, is not a great way to start the day!

Here’s an action to try this week:
Because it creates negative emotions for you, I wonder what it would be like if you experimented with not taking him to the clinic and take a careful look at how you feel and how your day goes. Another idea is to get his family who he lives with involved, could any of them drive him? Think about giving him a bus route or helping him set up an Uber account! This process is all about discontinuing what we have done in the past that hasn’t worked, and trying new things. If one thing doesn’t work, try another. And put yourself first, if you know driving him will make you feel upset, this could be a good time to take a break in driving him, or set up a schedule that if he doesn’t stick to you don’t drive him. As I type I keep thinking of new ideas, but give some of these a shot and let us know how it goes! :yellow_heart:


#3

I’m not sure how to help him find another ride. He does not take the initiative to find rides in advance and waits until the last minute. I know that I am more reliable that this, so I give him a reliable ride option. This morning I wanted to be early to work so I texted him before I left and asked him to ready when I got there. I got there and he was still sleeping and his alarm hadn’t gone off. He told me I could leave then so I wouldn’t be late. I was very unsatisfied with the answer, as it seemed like he did not appreciate the fact that I had already woken up earlier and driven there. So I took him but I was very upset the whole time. This is a reoccurring issue in our relationship, anytime anything happens in the morning (that does not exactly fit my expectations) when I am giving him a ride, it is extremely easy for me to blame it on him. I am trying to help but I know that screaming and crying first thing in the morning is helping no one.


#6

Hi @shea, I’m very new to this so I hope its helpful. Although different situations, I feel and know your frustration. My husband got a DUI about 2 years ago. We worked roughly in the same location but started/finished at different times. I was willing to give him a lift, but it meant I’d get to work 2 hours earlier and finish 1 hour later to be able to drop him off/pick him up. It made for every long days. I felt really reluctant and angry to start with because I felt he’d added inconvenience to my life. I laid out limits around not being allowed to drink after work if i was driving him home (obviously… but he would have if I hadn’t said), that he was on time and didn’t make me wait. He largely kept to that and would have been really stuck if he’d ignored me… but to be fair I don’t know if I could have stuck to my limits if he’d gone against them because I am really not good at following through on consequences.

However what I wanted to say is that as it went on the time we had in the car became very special as we were able to reconnect and debrief on stuff. So we ended up using that time really productively for our relationship. We were a bit gutted we had to stop driving together once he got his license back. We had been able to turn this negative experience into something meaningful for us.

I think your plan to not give him a ride for a week is a good one, see how it goes. You need to put yourself first. If it’s ok to say this, It’s good to be aware of the options, but let him sort it out. It’s what the others said, you need to be willing to help or support… but find a balance in that. For years now, My husband ends up using me as his crutch when life gets tough and I have a automatic need /drive to make it all better. It’s so hard but life never gets hard enough for my him to make a genuine change. I’m not saying its the same for you, it’s only my experience which I’m trying to from.

All the best and take great care of yourself.


#5

Thank you. I think I am going to have a break in taking him the rest of the week. His family takes him sometimes but they are generally pretty fed up with him by this point. It is pretty rural so there is no bus but maybe a taxi or Uber could be something we look into in the future.


#8

Love hearing your experience - so valuable to hear how you handled your situation, what you were thinking and feeling and what the outcome was for you. Particularly love that it turned into a positive. Already feel I’m breathing deeper!!


#10

Really like this perspective @vetti! Thank you for sharing!


#7

I just realised this post is from 10 days ago. Sorry!! A bit late to reply. I hope that the week you were planning to not give him a ride went ok.


#11

Thank you for this very thoughtful reply. I will be posting an update for everyone soon.


#12

Update. I got a 1 day break in giving him a ride the week I posted this ( it was Wednesday, didn’t take him Thursday, took him again Friday because he “couldn’t” find another way. I took him yesterday and was supposed to take him today but we got into fight last night. (Unrelated to giving him rides). I was able to be more okay in the mornings because I decided if I was willing to do I had to actually be willing to do it. If I committed to giving him a ride I tried to commit to being in a good mood beforehand. However I still feel like nothing is changing except me putting in more effort. He is basically taking the same approach, relying completely on me for rides and not taking seriously other options. Both me and his mom told him to consider Uber and he thinks it’s laughable and humorous, not a real solution. (We live in a very rural area but I know there is Uber and I have told him this, he hasn’t looked into it and does not consider it a serious long term option). Sometimes in the morning this new approach of mine has worked well, other days I just can’t squash my resentment and annoyance and perceived unfairness of the situation. Some days I just get into the victim woe is me mindset and I don’t know how to know ahead of time whether I will be feeling like that or not. I’m not sure if he will be able to get a ride today or not. When he has been missing recently, it hasn’t been that bad because he is a pretty low dose now (lowest he has ever been). However, he does get very irritable, restless, and extremely uncomfortable.


#9

Yes @Vetti we all find answers at different times and your contribution is valuable! And @shea we’d love to hear the updates, how this went and how things are going now?