Scared for the future of our relationship after my bfs rehab


#1

We’ve been through it all. From drugs, alcohol, court, numerous detoxes and now thankfully rehab. I’ve loved him since the moment we met face to face. Sounds cheesy right? But true. All God. It was Jan 2019. We only lasted a month but I could never forget him so we stayed in touch. He came back to me in July and we lived together since! Almost 9 months! I love this man so much. I hope to marry him someday. It was a fairytale, outside the drug use that I didn’t know he had. But he fell so in love with me, we looked at rings, he told me daily how much he loved me etc… It was my dream come true. Fast forward through drug use, Court dates, an arrest from a prior od that he was charged with possession (thankfully all dropped btw), three detoxes, to as I said thankfully rehab. We’ve made it this far. He’s a good man, drugs are just the devil. He keeps coming and going with how he now treats me. We will have good weeks at a time then he becomes very distant. I know this is part of the process. I have to be patient and I have been. I guess my thoughts are do I ask him about our future or do I not add that pressure? He’s been in since the end of February. We also haven’t been able to see each other at all bc of this covid. So that adds extra stress. He keeps making remarks (jokes) about me cheating etc… He knows I would never but I know it’s scary for him.
I just don’t want to be too pushy. He does say he wants to be together but now he’s saying he can’t come back home bc of bad memories here and he has no car and doesn’t want to be cooped up bc he knows he will drink. He said maybe after he gets a car. He was first supposed to do 90 days but has decided to stay a month or two longer. I was selfishly kinda sad bc I miss him but I’ve been selfless this whole time and of course I NEVER let him know I was kinda sad. But don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’s staying!!! I’m proud! Definitely want him there more than here bc I know he’s safe and healthy. Are all of these things normal? I just need advice from others who have been here. Thanks!


#2

HI @Blumin4x, I think your feelings are absolutely normal! I experienced all the emotions when my husband was in treatment, often at the same time. It’s an experience unlike any other for sure.

I felt this when my husband came home from treatment. I was surprised at how much time recovery took up and while I was extremely proud of him, it was an adjustment for me and I really had to evaluate my expectations. I understand now that his recovery has to come first, otherwise everything else- including our relationship, will suffer. It can feel like we’re on the back burner, first to the addiction, then to the treatment, but I see it now as an invitation to take my focus and put it on myself. Loving someone struggling with addiction takes so much time and energy and when they are taken care of in the moment, we have a beautiful opportunity to turn inward to see what we might have been neglecting for ourselves. It’s important and very hard work.

A lot of recovery programs focus on taking things one day at a time. That goes for our loved ones and us. My natural tendency is to spend so much time in my head thinking about the future, but when a loved one is in treatment, they might not have the ability to think that far ahead. And I think that’s ok. We want answers and security and peace of mind, but it might not all be possible right now. I found it helpful to tell my husband (and a therapist when we did couples counseling) what thoughts I was having about the future and what was worrying me. They couldn’t answer those questions for me, but they helped me to stay present, and that ended up being enough in that moment.

This community is full of people who know what you’re going through, so know that you’re not alone. Sending hugs.


#3

Thank you so much for your insights. I’ve been through a lot but this is the hardest ever. Did your husband go through times when he would love you and show lots of affection(through text and FaceTime) to barely speaking throughout the day the next day or the next week? I guess that’s the hardest part. He says he doesn’t want things to end but I feel like he could absolutely care less just days after. I know it’s a process and his emotions are all over. I just don’t want to go through all of this only for him to leave me. Not that I don’t want to do this with him. It’s all worth it. I guess I just don’t understand what recovery has to do with our future. Isn’t it two different topics in life?


#4

Your feelings are very normal. My S/O has definitely been distant in the past during periods of Drinking and also periods of recovery. There were times when he’d completely shut me out. Some of it was due to him drinking and not wanting anyone around. Shame and guilt would get the best of him. Sometimes in our earlier years he’d take breaks from me when I was going down the rabbit hole with him, probably to protect me. There were times he’d check himself into rehab and not tell me, so a month later I’d find out. It’s been a ton of pain, growing together, Patience, and healing. Our relationship is a lot different now. We’re at a completely different place. This last time he went we were in constant contact. It took us a really long time to get to this place with each other. And we still struggle. Right now I’m Trying to wrap my head around a recent slip/relapse.

But, I really think it’s tough. Recovery takes a lot of work. There are a lot of emotions running high and healing taking place. In early recovery the brain, mind, body, and soul are all healing. This takes a lot of work and this might mean outside relationships take the back burner. Addiction also makes it difficult to navigate properly In relationships, and I don’t think this Issue disappears right away with recovery. Some of the emotional issues that led to using are left raw and open to heal in early recovery. Often times with recovery we are just learning how to be with ourselves in sobriety. It sounds like you are very patient and that will help a lot. I spent a lot of time reading up on recovery so I could understand why he was acting certain ways. I still struggle with understanding some of his behaviors no matter how much I read and learn. You are not alone. Sending positive and healing vibes to you both. :heart: