So before I got married I envisioned my spouse being the provider, visionary, and him pushing/challenging me to be a better me. We are 8 months into our marriage and due to his gambling addiction and substance use I have had to be in charge of our finances, monitor if he is using and the symptoms that come along with using. He has been doing well these past 3 months of abstaining from gambling and using…but i find myself lost in my wifely role. On one hand i have to be the “husband role” (if u will) when it comes to our finances and on the other im trying to make him feel like my equal within our marriage. I do feel at times a bit of anger, resentment of doing both roles and being disappointed of this high expectations I initially had as my role as a wife. At times I do feel alone that he can’t challenge me because he is too busy playing video games to replace his gambling addiction. It leaves feeling needy for attention but happy he is going to his meetings and doing better. Just in a weird space of not knowing how to find me in the midst of this role reversal
I’m in the exact same position as you. I need a partner. I love my husband so much but want to feel provided for, like I can go to him if I need something. But he has not worked in months, he doesn’t have a vehicle, and I have to do everything. Sometimes I feel like the wife, husband, AND mother.
I have learned that when married to an addict I’ve had to let go of expectations of what I thought a marriage was supposed to look like, what I thought a husband was supposed to do. When we assign these roles and responsibilities on other people based on our own visions, we just end up resentful when they aren’t fulfilled. I don’t want my husband expecting me to fulfill a role that he has defined for me, so why would I do that to him? Instead, I focus on the things I love about my husband and what he does contribute to our relationship that I cannot. I try to let go of anger and resentment because they don’t help the situation. It’s hard though because I used to feel like I had to punish him for not stepping up as a husband and a father. Empathy has been a powerful tool - understanding that he wants to help and be better but his mental conditions, addiction and recovery make it harder for him. I know sometimes it may seem like we’re giving them the easy way out but I like to think of it as meeting him where he’s at. We’re all human and struggle through situations differently. That’s great your husband is doing better with his addictions - hold on to that progress and keep going one day at a time.