My husband was clean for 54 days (the longest he’s stayed clean since he got out of prison) and decided to use today. I hate that he used but his behavior was even more hurtful. Blocked my number so my calls wouldn’t go through, lied about what he did today, pawned his wedding band, and basically abandoned me for 8 hours. He got home and I let loose on him. I hate acting like that but his behavior is so hurtful. All he can say is “I’m sorry. Please don’t yell at me.” I told him I wanted a husband and not a child to take care of. He doesn’t work, I just bought him a little truck, and then this happened. So like having a teenager who has misbehaved, I took the keys and his debit card and ID. I don’t want a child husband, I want a man that can help me. I don’t even know if I have a question, I’m just venting I guess.
Try not to let it hurt your feelings. I have a husband who has done similar behavior in the past and I think a lot of it is they are ashamed of their behavior and don’t want it brought to the light. My husband would often ask to just move past it, etc. because I think it made him depressed to hear it, however; by doing so I basically just enabled the behavior. I don’t really have a clear cut answer/suggestion for you though. I am new to this group since my husband is currently incarcerated and I am trying to learn more before he is released.
I know it doesn’t feel like it, but none of his actions have anything to do with you. People use/drink because they have an inability to process their pain in a healthy way (many of us partners struggle with this as well, we just use other things to escape - food, our relationship, etc).
Check out your local SMART Friends & Family meeting. They also have online meetings. It’s all about learning to focus on yourself and seeing that we can’t control their behavior, and life is better when we work on our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Another GREAT book for this is the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I recommend the audio book, his voice is really soothing The chapter on Enlightened Relationships is blowing my mind, I listen to it over and over. Changing my entire perspective on what it is to be in a relationship with someone who struggles with addictive behaviors.
LOVE that book. Just recently picked it back up from my nightstand and started reading aloud to my husband before bed. My only issue with it is that there is sooooo much good stuff in it that I have to stop and process after every few pages so it’s taking me forever to finish it
@momentsandlight Lol yeah I listen to the audiobook because it’s easier for me to understand when listening to him instead of reading it, and I still have to listen to it multiple times to really soak in the meaning of it. Deep stuff
I have definitely felt like I was married to a child at times. Sleeping in until past way in the afternoon, completely oblivious to a sink full dishes or piles of clothes to be folded, not responsible for paying any bills. He would tell me he doesn’t think of those things and needs to be reminded, but wth I’m not his mother. I don’t want to remind him.
And then, when he was in active addiction - the lies. So many hurtful lies. It hurt when he chose to go out t the city for drugs instead of stay home with his family. It hurt when he’d lie right to my face like I was some kind of idiot. It hurt that he would choose to stick a needle in his arm when he knew what it was doing to me, to us.
It has been very difficult, but I’ve learned that my husband’s addiction and behaviors are not about me. There was something deeper going on with him - something that made him want to numb the pain, isolate himself, make it all go away. And when the addiction takes over, all logic goes out the window. My reacting with anger, ultimatums, sarcasm and resentment did not help the situation. What has helped has been empathy - understanding why he uses, his triggers, knowing that recovery is so hard, especially early recovery. My husband has been in recovery for three years now and still slips. The difference now is that he is able to be honest with me about it and get right back into recovery, partly because I have been able to control my own reactions so he feels safe opening up to me. Our home is so much more peaceful now.
Have you looked into resources for yourself, such as individual therapy, Al-Anon, or one of the digital meetups offered here? I’m attaching a screenshot from one of the guides provided at the meetup I attended on Trust. Super helpful stuff that helps us understand why our loved ones lie and behave the way they do. Definitely read “Beyond Addiction” too - it offers great tools for communicating with our loved ones.
Hang in there. You are both going through such a hard time now, and there will be pain and frustration but just know that it will pass.
Agree! I found the audiobook awesome! Great for a walking meditation
I definitely can understand this. My boyfriend of 9 years has relapsed after having 6 months sober. He hasnt been clean this long basically our entire relationship, so I was finally gaining hope. He relapsed and I’ve lost all hope. I wonder to myself if this is just an endless cycle and if he will be able to ever get clean. I am so angry and I dont want to lash out on him, so I have chosen to take the route where I create some space. Now I just dont know if to get back with him. No one has ever died from love, and sometimes I think to myself that I would probably be significantly better off without risking my own quality of life due to his disease. Its just so complicated because hes an extraordinary person otherwise.