My son wants to move back to the area with my support, I'm reluctant but am I doing the right thing?


#1

My son has been in and out (mainly in) of rehab for almost 4 years. He went across country for this. He is very smart (as all addicts are) and worked the system to the max because my insurance was throwing the money at the facilities. I made a very difficult and emotional decision to drop him from my insurance hoping that he would get serious about his life.
I flew across country to see him in April. I went alone so it would only be about him. He hadn’t been clean very long. Two weeks before I went, he told me that he was nervous that I was coming and he used that night. I called him daily, but never had any contact with him. I made numerous calls and found out where he was. I was driving to the facility and he sent my brother a text message to tell me not to come and to stop calling. My response to him was I would be in town for 6 days and if he changed him mind to call me and I would be right there. He never called.
5 days ago he called me and said that he cannot afford to live and California and is moving back east. He thought that he was going to rent a room from a “friend” and that fell through. He has nowhere to live and is spending the little money that he has on a hotel room. He wanted me to give him money for a plane ticket. He started finding rooms to rent sending me the info. He will not have a job, money, and let alone the maturity level to even be able to even pay a bill. He got out of control at age 14 and I truly believe he is still emotionally that age. (He is currently 26).
I feel tremendous guilt not paying for him to come back knowing that he doesn’t have a roof over his head and I have a spare room. I told him to contact halfway houses, look into Oxford House, gave him a number of a rehab that offers scholarships, said to go to a meeting and get a sponsor and get advice. I know that he feels alone and not wanted. It’s ripping my heart out, but I truly feel that bringing him back here will be a disaster in many ways. He isn’t talking to me and I fear that I am going to lose him. I’m so frightened that he will overdose out of desperation.
Am I doing the right thing? Should I bring him back here (it could be very dangerous, as I don’t know how many people/dealers that he owes)?
I am having a hard time functioning, crying all of the time, shutting down at home because I’m so torn.
Any suggestions and/or comments are appreciated.
Many thanks,
Susan


#2

If you truly believe that bringing him back home will be a disaster in many ways, then it probably will. Sometimes (oftentimes), we mom’s have to follow our minds, not our hearts when it comes to dealing with our addicted adult children. I let my addicted son’s (yes, two), and a girlfriend move in with me for a short time after a jail stay and it was horrible. All my gold jewelry was stolen (very sentimental antique jewelry from my Italian grandmother) and my husband’s coin collection which he had since a child. Every situation is different, but our family Dynamics weren’t the best. So only you know your family’s strengths and weaknesses. It’s so hard to figure it all out. But you will. Ask for guidance from others and God. I wish you the best.


#3

Too many times giving up is the best option. Sitting back and watching is the absolute hardest but, give it to God and pray hard. It’s a wish that one day I hope you are granted. Sobriety isn’t easy but, neither is living we can’t forget that.


#5

Thank you so much for your thoughts and for sharing one of your stories. I so appreciate the support.
Good luck to you!


#4

The wisdom here is appreciated! Its wonderful to share, thank you! Hope, Love and boundaries. I am right there with you, Susan. I feel similar pain and sorrow. It works for me to believe that at any moment something will click and our kids will get it. My kids have to forge their own paths. Someone wise here at the Village said to me, Just because its the right thing doesn’t mean it wont hurt. thank you for sharing!


#6

Good point! Thank you for the advice!


#8

I feel like you can help them as much as your own mind will allow. I have started to put down boundaries and it has really helped me. I don’t always feel good about it oh, but I do what I can do to help using my own judgment. I also have my own counselor and she can make me see things from a different perspective or help me stay strong. you have to take care of yourself or you can’t help them


#7

That quote really makes me think a bit differently than I have this past week. Thank you so much for your thoughts. That truly helps me to not take on the guilt so badly that I’ve been sick with.