My partner is in rehab for alcoholism, he has just finished his first week with 3 more to go.His councillor said it would be a good idea to invite me up for a session which I am fine with, I am a honest person who calls things as they are, it’s been a nightmare 12 months before he decided he would go into treatment. I’m not sure if I even want to continue the relationship when he gets out as I had finished it before he went in, but still supported his as his best friend. He said it would finish him if I’m not in his life, I don’t think it’s fair to take try and hand me the responsibility for his happiness, that’s never gonna work.
I used to meet with my husbands counselor when he was in early recovery too. It was very helpful in understanding his treatment, triggers, and how we could work on his recovery and our relationship together. It really helps to work with a professional in these situations, especially when communication is not that great and there may still be a lot of resentment. We have been in couples therapy for years and it has saved our marriage. If you’re having doubts about the session, I suggest just letting go of any expectations or outcomes you may be envisioning and just go in with an open mind and a compassionate heart.
That’s a tough one. I’ve not dealt with my guy being in rehab… yet. But I fully understand the “I don’t think it’s fair to hand me the responsibility for his happiness”. That’s how it a lot of the time feels in a relationship with an addict, right? I know it absolutely does for me. I have asked this question within this community several times and on the weekly Village Digital Gathering meeting some of us participate in each week. Will there ever be somewhat of a balance? What if I decided to just check the fuck out for awhile? Who’d pick up the slack then?!? Will we ever get to a point where it’s not consistently about the substance abuse, addiction, addict, boundaries, healthy coping, recovery, all the things, blah blah blah. All the jargon. And it’s absolutely taxing on us loved ones. I can’t tell you what to do, as I am not you and not in your specific circumstance. However, my personal thought on this if I were in the same situation with my own circumstances in place (my heroin/opiate addict bf went to rehab after I officially ended the relationship and invited me to a rehab event of his), I would have to go. I would want to see him in a healthy environment and see what positive things he may be learning. Get a feel of his involvement and mindset compared to the norm I grew used to and settled for with him in active addiction. I’d be too excited for him, to not go. Maybe not even with hopes to rekindle the relationship… maybe that focus wouldn’t be so imperative given the growth that would still be needed individually and between us together… but I would think if I was in a place mentally to put my foot down, like you have, and end the relationship and stick to that limit finally… I would be very focused on self care and self growth. Having confidence in myself within that, I’d like to go to also show him how I am growing myself. Not in a rub it in his face aspect, but a show by example… be the good we wish to see in other’s type aspect. But hell, in my own mind I’m freaking fantastic at life and dating addicts and rock the shit out of it but reality is…a bit more grim.
Within this community @jane and @erica very much focus on self care even after/beyond the venting and expressing the not so great sides of this battle we face each day with our loved ones. And it’s very much something I’ve even been unintentionally integrating into my day to day dialogue with myself. Not even bc I am trying. Bc being real… I try self care and growth at like 25% effort. But let me focus on my train wreck of a relationship and I’m all in plus some! Weird… but bc I’ve become apart of this wonderful platform and I truly believe "we are who/what we surround ourselves with"I’ve noticed the tiniest of changes in my thoughts patterns, triggers, stressors, needs,etc. Focus on yourself and where YOU are at in this. In my opinion, his “I can’t make it without you” line is just the unhealthy thought process that he’s developed as a result of the substance abuse/unhealthy habits he’s more than likely developed by past things like childhood environment, parents/guardians, etc etc etc. (I have dealt with this overly dramatic smushy squishy “the sun rises and falls in your eyes never leave me oh please” thing from my bf especially when he’s high. Fingers crossed that through this rehab stay, your partner will learn how to work past those types of things for himself and will be able to SHOW you those positive changes! I could go on for a decade about this platform! I’ve learned and absorbed SO much in my 3 weeks total involvement versus my over a year with Google searches, failed attempts at local meetings for loved ones bc I just am not as great live etc. I unfortunately missed today’s online meeting about self care due to some unexpected financial hiccups and I’m so fluffy about it lol! I really wanted to attend it bc like Jane and Erica said last week, this is usually the one people aren’t too hyped about attending and the last topic most think is important and bc of that it is absolutely the BIGGEST ONE we should participate in bc it’s that important. I’m rambling, which I tend to do lol but my point to all of my babble is, you know you and y’alls relationship. Look within yourself and decide if it’s worth it, if it’s worth just barely getting your toes wet to see how it’s going for your own reasons, or if you think you’re at a place where you’re just ready to focus on creating a less tumultuous day to day for yourself by whatever means you feel are necessary FOR YOU. You don’t have to explain your choices for yourself to anyone but YOU! And you’re right, his overall happiness is not your responsibility. That’s the hard part for me is every day deciding to compromise with myself bc of the love and connection I feel for someone else that isn’t even the someone I once knew and connected with. It’s so tough. I plus many others are always here for you. If you ever need or want to vent bitch moan laugh at or bend my ear… please don’t hesitate to message me. We’re definitely NOT ALONE. The comraderie in itself has been such a weight off my shoulders bc I didn’t have this before these lovely Village folks listened to my first rants 3 weeks ago! I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and sending all the best vibes and stuff! ️:heart:️