My boyfriend has relapsed after 5 months


#1

My boyfriend has relapsed 5 times within a year. He’s a binge user. He had gone 5 months without using cocaine until this past Saturday night. While he’s definitely had mood swings over the past few months, I really thought this time he was committed to not going back down this path again. In January he almost died from overdose. After 5 months and 1 week, he slipped. He told me the urge started on Thursday. I asked why he didn’t tell me. He said because he didn’t want me to try stopping it from happening. I think this was more hurtful because instead of it being impulsive, it was planned. I had no idea he was a drug addict until about a year ago. At that point, we had been together for about year. He seemed to want help and I was committed to being a support system to him. I felt like in his past, every one eventually gave up on him. I’ve attend many NA meetings with him, held on to money, function mostly on one car to minimize opportunities, got him to exercise etc…
By the way, we live together. I do everything in my power to keep him safe. But when is enough, enough? I feel so used and taken advantage of…:. Every time this has happened, he seemed very remorseful. While he did apologize for Saturday night. I didn’t see the usual, I’m sorry, I hurt you, I don’t want to lose you etc… also I might add that on Saturday night, it wasn’t an all night binge, like usual. He was home by 1130pm. He went after work so this only lasted a couple of hrs at best. He doesn’t think he really even got high. One of 2 things will happen… he will try in the very near future to get more because the craving wasn’t satisfied or he will be good for awhile.

I appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation. I feel very used and stupid. I’ve never been around drugs/used drugs so I didn’t realize what I got myself into until I was in way over my head. I love him but it’s destroying me.

Thank you
CJ


#2

Although I completely understand the feeling of being used and taken advantage of you need to remember that it’s not your boyfriend, it’s the addiction. I use to always feel much better And honestly superior once I got a apology of basically pleading and begging for my help. My boyfriend and I really got into a pattern of traumatic bonding and no matter how hurt I was once he showed me remorse I instantly felt better. My boyfriend doesn’t even bother apologizing anymore, he’s also not even close to being sober. It’s really painful for him to apologize and make promises he can’t keep. 5 months is a good amount of time to be clean and a big accomplishment. Relapses happen whether planned or triggered. But your boyfriend needs to feel the consequences of them. I think what he does with it is what matters by that I mean continuing to use or get back on track. It’s a life long commitment to be in recovery and also a lot of work. Try and remember to take care of yourself and not take his choices and actions personally. Trust me I know that’s much easier said then done. Have you attended any Alanon meetings? I know you said you go to meetings with him but what about for yourself? I’ve only been to 1 but they have a lot of good support and information. Also can check out tools using the CRAFT method of supporting your loved one @momentsandlight any other suggestions?


#3

@Cjgogo - I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It can definitely feel extremely overwhelming, especially when you have no experience with drugs or addiction. My husband is a recovering heroin addict. I can tell you that recovery is possible. It takes work from us, the loved ones, to be able to let go of expectations, learn about addiction and how it affects people, and learn about how change can happen.

Some resources you may find helpful include:

  • The Village Playbook includes an Addiction 101 section that gives a brief overview of addiction.
  • This post includes some book recommendations that can help you learn more.
  • Al-Anon has been a true life saver to me, as they offer community, literature, and a set of values that have helped me get through extremely challenging times.

I know when I first started my own recovery process (because yes, loved ones of those struggling with addiction are also on their own recovery), I wondered, “Why do I have to do all this work? He’s the one with the problem. He’s the one who needs to change.” But it’s our relationships that also need healing, and I’m a part of that relationship. Their addictions can turn us into people we don’t want to be, making us behave in ways that are unhealthy to ourselves and those around us, and we have a part to play, too. So we have to do the work, too.

Right now, in this moment, just know that this too shall pass. Things may seem chaotic and hopeless and you may feel lost, stuck, alone, confused… It’s going to be okay. I’ve been there, and there’s a way out. What’s something you can do for yourself right now, something you can control? Exercise, take a break, meditate, go for a walk, treat yourself to something nice, talk with a friend, play music, artwork, anything. Sending you love.


#4

Someone in the village community shared this Resource with me as well.