Needing some extra support today, Village Community! I apologize in advance for the long post…
Last night, my boyfriend and I got into a big argument that was bad enough for him to sleep on the couch. He slipped-up recently and we came up with a plan for him to start going to meetings and he is not quite sticking to it. I was upset at first but I decided I just need to trust that he knows what is best. He is going to meetings every so often but he keeps making excuses not to go now, but we agreed that if he doesn’t go to a meeting he will need to do something different to make sure his mind is in the right place.
He skipped last night and his excuse was that he got off work late and had to get up early for work the next day. I just didn’t have a good feeling about it. I was working up the courage to talk to him about it because it is still really hard for me to start a conversation because it is so uncomfortable and I’m always afraid he will shut down and take off. Well, I finally braved asking him about it right before we went to bed. I started the conversation with asking what he will do when he gets stressed out again. He slipped because he was stressed from the holidays. His answer was, “Well, I just won’t do that” (that as in heroin/opiates). I asked him if he has a plan and I could hear in his voice he was getting extremely irritable, but I just said that I know it’s not a perfect journey, there will be bumps along the road, but I just want to make sure he has a preventative plan in place because I just want to ensure we can have a future together. He told me that the fact that we have drug tests in the house will keep him from using again but I feel like that is such a short-term solution and not a long-term plan. I told him my concerns and he just said he just doesn’t like talking about this because it’s uncomfortable and he feels embarrassed. He compared it to someone talking about their own disability. And I told him he shouldn’t feel embarrassed, that I accept him for who he is and he should embrace that too.
I decided to end the conversation there because I didn’t want to push him, but a wave of emotions came over me because of the uncertainty of our future and our relationship as it all depends on his ability to stay on track with recovery. I started crying and I guess it woke him up so he got extremely angry and told me I need to knock it off and that I’m acting like a child and started saying some pretty hurtful things to me. He forced me to go to the bathroom and watch him take a drug test, threw the results at me, and said “there, are you happy?”. I felt like he was shaming me for feeling worried. This morning, he still kissed me goodbye before he left for work but I just have this feeling he used this morning so I’m going to test him tonight.
I’m not really sure what to do. Any advice? Anyone have similar experiences? Was there a better approach I could have taken?