Hi, Im a newbie here. Need some help and found you guys so I met my spouse 8 years ago. 2 weeks after we met he told me he was fresh into recovery off crack cocaine. I told him “I’ll walk with you in recovery, I won’t walk with you through an addiction” I felt like the addiction would be his decision. Well, 8 years later, we have now been married for 5 years. Life threw us some lemons and in 2018 I experienced a spinal cord injury and went paralyzed from the waist down. Talk about life changing. My spouse was now also my nurse, my caretaker, my cook, my housekeeper, my everything. Christmas was beautiful and so was New Years. It was easy to hide because Im disabled so I cant get anywhere in my home fast enough. But lets just say I found the pipe/spoon kit and what didnt come out in the wash sure enough came out in the rinse. Its been 4 months and from what I know he has not used since I laid it out in front of him early that Sunday morning. Ive read that for us to move forward I have to treat him as though it never happened. Let it go. Im ok with this notion but its not working… Now, we dont talk or argue about it but I had a hard limit or what you might call a set boundary and that was IT for me. I told him if he ever used that would be it for us. So for me it feels like cheating because. We have not been intimate since and Im having a hard time getting over this hard limit. I love him but how would you feel if you ask someone to not do ONE thing and they do THAT ONE thing!! Its hard to stick to those boundaries…so whats a healthy time frame to refrain from intimacy from my spouse…before my marriage dissipates… from a lack of intimacy towards my spouse… Im always paranoid when I dont even know if I should be. Help me.
I know exactly how you are feeling , from what I have learned you need to set the boundaries and then stick to them, I allowed those lines to blur at times and he just got out of rehab again and so we have a no contact for 3 months , I need to see him doing the work , walking the walk , and we have a date set up to meet and if he doing the work then we will move forward and begin again slowly , but I will not be fully in until he has been sober continually for at least 9 months
I think we should accept that person is suffering from disease and we don’t have any cure for this disease. Its a life long recovery. The only thing we can do that is
1- Take care of ours elf so we can help him whenever he needed.
2-Acceptance about disease and recovery(relapse is a part of recovery).
Its hard to follow but till now we have only this option is there so we have to follow this.
Hi @Luvspeeks - I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Letting go is definitely helpful, but I see it differently. I don’t think we should ignore the addiction or behaviors or pretend like they don’t exist. In a way, that can often be what causes the problems. I’ve learned that people struggling with addiction often turn to drugs because they’re trying to ignore their feelings, numb out the pain, escape reality. We have to allow our feelings to exist, examine them, ask ourselves why they are there, identify what we need to let them go, then release.
Something else I’ve learned to let go of has been expectations and outcomes. I can’t control what happens, and I can’t expect a certain outcome - that just turns into disappointment and resentment if it doesn’t turn out the way I want it to. I accept what is, and trust that everything will be okay no matter what happens.
How are you doing today?
I feel this so much right now and I am so sorry you are experiencing this too. It is VERY much possible to trust your loved one again after something that breaks that trust. It is extremely painful and may take more than a few months to repair. Here’s the thing though: your spouse is not looking to harm you, they are looking for that high from a terrible substance abuse disorder. Not only do some of these substances cause intimacy problems physically for the person, but they also cause you to not want to be intimate. And that is okay! That right now is such a difficult thing for me to handle because that was so very much a part of our relationship, and now it’s not. But from everything we have been through, I know it will come back with time. Take it one day at a time. Know that there might be more relapses. Know that it might be a while before your spouse, or you, feel intimate with each other. This will be a lifelong thing and if you want to be with your partner, they may just do that one thing that you don’t want them to do. All that you can do is be there for them and be there for yourself. I have come to find that your gut instinct will always be right there for you and will tell you when something is not right. I felt paranoid for a long time before I realized that I need to let that go so I can live my life, and if something is going on, I will know, but to try to not be waiting for that moment. You’ve got this, truly! But set your boundaries, stick with them, and take this all one day at a time.