I lashed out and now I feel I may have lost my bf. Advice please?

relationship

#1

I have never dated or known anyone who had a drug addiction. This is all very new to me. My boyfriend is an addict but I didn’t know until it was too late. I lost an aunt who was very dear and near to me, my sister was getting married without the family blessing and I was the only one who supported her, I was starting university but had no money for classes, and I was trying to be supportive of my boyfriend who was hitting rock bottom (all of this in the span of 4 months). I had no one to talk to and kept all this stress inside because there was never a moment to absorb anything that was happening. All these life altering events were overlapping. I did not know he needed rehab until I received a desperate call from his mother. She told me he shut everyone out and was not talking to anyone except me. I tried for weeks to get him to go (we are long distance so it was tough). He finally agreed but it was all last minute and I found out he was going 10 minutes before he hands over his phone. The last thing he said too me was, “It is going to be ok, I am going to get better, I love you.” I didn’t know when or how I would see or speak to him. Two days later I find out I am pregnant. I battle between telling him or not because it could be a stressor but we needed to decide if we wanted the baby. I fell in love with it and got quite attached to the baby. I wanted to keep it but never got the opportunity to tell him. I end up sending him a picture of the test thinking he would see it when he go out. He saw it two days later and said “children aren’t a good idea right now.” I felt the message was cold and he didn’t ask how or what I was going to do. I was scared and alone so I was impulsive and sent a “breakup text” which I immediately regretted and said sorry. Apparently that was the last text he saw before handing over his phone. After beating myself up about having or not having the baby and what as best for it I made the tough decision to have an abortion. 13 days later on the day of the procedure I get home from the clinic (still loopy on meds) and I see he’s online Facebook. I text him angrily and we fight. I tell him I am mad and hurt and neglected and I don’t have any love to give and broken and I had my baby sucked out of me today (I was diagnosed with postpartum depression later on). He said he would call me to explain and talk but never did. I write to him and apologize for the outburst and explain what I was going through. He does not see the message until he gets to a halfway house 22 days later in which ignores me completely. Not picking up calls, texts, messages. He ends up blocking my number and on Facebook. He’s talking online to all his friends who did drugs with him and laughing at jokes but ignores me completely. He won’t respond when asked if we are still together and if anyone asks him to speak to me he ignores their requests. I asked him to unblock me to which he responds “I wish you never said and did the things you did…… but you did.” (He does unblock me) I again explained everything and apologized. He reads my messages but does not respond. We have not physically spoke since he left for rehab. I’m in therapy and trying to learn about detox, addiction, and recovery all while battling my own loss of more family members and stress of classes and exams. I mourn the moss of my baby everyday all day. It breaks me even more that i cannot mourn that loss with the man i love and the father. My question is if he would ever forgive me for the texts? would be come back? Has anyone experienced anything like this before? What should I do in this situation? I’m broken and the last thing I want is to loose the love of my life.


#2

Update: I found out he’s met someone in rehab and they are together or dating but definently sleeping together. I saw their public display of affection on Facebook. Flirty messages and provocative comments. I’m so broken.