I feel LOW. This morning I found an empty bag, what now? Can I just go back to bed :)

relapse
self-care

#1

This morning I found an empty bag (cocaine = evidence). It literally was on the floor just sitting there. No snooping required. He said it was from ‘a couple weeks ago’ and didn’t know how it got there. Ugh.

At this point we are 2 years + ‘clean’. I don’t believe in clean without relapse, at least that’s not where we are yet. But still, it was a surprise. And I’m sure it’s not at the point of being a bad habit (addiction) right now, as I think I know those signs by now.

STILL. I feel frustrated and 1. don’t feel motivated for my day and 2. don’t feel motivated to deal with this again.

I think he needs to develop new coping skills for stress and anxiety but I know I can’t do it for him, and I still feel drained by this all when it comes up again, and don’t feel like the best ally. It takes mustering so much strength to keep positive when dealing with this - and I know positivity helps him. But how do I get him to learn new coping skills? Or do I just take all the wins and support him, knowing his coping skills have gotten better and it takes T I M E.


#2

Situations like this can be so hard and scary and my heart is going out to you. I’m sure most people on this site have been in your shoes at one time in their journey. It’s understandable that you feel frustrated, unmotivated, and drained. What you described finding above sounds like a lapse, and not a full blown relapse. A lapse can be understood as briefly returning to substance use, and responding to the experience by stopping use and learning from it. A relapse can occur due to what Alan Marlatt, PhD called the “abstinence violation effect” where a person attempting to abstain lapses and endures conflict and guilt by making an internal attribution to explain why they used, thereby making them more likely to continue using in order to cope with self blame and guilt. Both are usually seen as crises, however can be a natural part of the recovery process and potential opportunities to learn for both you, and him.

Before trying to be a strong positive ally to him to encourage new skills, make sure you take care of yourself, otherwise you won’t be able to communicate effectively with him and will have more difficulty gaining strength to help. During these times of surprise and stress from having to have a discussion about it can be really difficult. This news can (understandably) send you into a panic, but it’s really important to try and do things that help you stay focused and ultimately continue to take care of you. I know this is hard, but it’s important to be in a solid emotional state. It sounds like you’ve taken every step you can at the moment, and unfortunately right now there may be a sense of dread in having to deal with what’s ahead. It is possible to find yourself doubting how far you can go, but try and keep in mind how far you’ve come, how much you’ve endured, and that progress has been made despite setbacks. You are strong and can handle this, you’ve shown resilience in so many ways. But when it seems like things are so out of your control and there’s nothing you can do it’s important to try and think of potential things you can do.

Things you CAN do:

  • reach out for support on this site, or other places (friends/family/support group/therapist)
  • think about the conversation you are preparing for and keep this little guide in mind:
    “When (observation), I feel (emotion) because my need for (need) is/is not being met. Next time, I would/would you be willing to (solution)?” This type of communicating helps reinforce you are still an ally but recognize that some things need to change.
  • highlight all the positive coping skills you have seen him use to deal with stress and anxiety, and with curiosity inquire about the situations where stress and anxiety have gotten the best of him

If you make sure you engage in self-care, are mindful of your emotions, and work on positive communication with him I have no doubt you’ll be able to encourage him to explore new ways to cope that are better than using substances!

You got this! :muscle:


#4

I’ve found that when I’m in this ‘tailspin’ situation it can be really hard to get into self care mode. I know I’m the first thing I need to take care of but that’s usually the last thing on my mind and it’s easy to loose all motivation. So I’ve tried to make it really easy. I’ve made a list of all the things I can do to take care of myself. Like Erica suggests, it could be reaching out for support OR it could also be removing myself from the situation to go and have a massage, taking an epsom salt bath, going for a walk, meeting a friend for a meal or coffee. Once I’m grounded, then I can act from that place and it always ends in a better outcome. So when in a tailspin… pause… find your self care list and see what you can do in that specific time/place… THEN move forward. Hope that helps!!


#5

@briar Really love this idea of creating a self-care list ahead of time of things that actually make you feel good & grounded! I might do this and share with my husband, so when I’m low he can help hold me able to my list.