My husband is currently in rehab for alcoholism. E were have been married 14 years and have 3 kids (14, 12, 10). I have suffered years of abuse at his hands- physical, emotional, mental. However, I stick by him bc I kept hoping things would change and he would get help well that day has come but his behaviors don’t seem to have changed. The kids and I were asked to write impact letters stating the impact his drinking has had on us. My kids letters broke my heart, I thought I was protecting them but I wasn’t and I am guilt ridden. My own impact letter was 8 pages long. He has been in his rehab facility for over 2.5 weeks and has only written each of us 1 time (this is the only form of communication he is allowed to have) and only after he read the impact letters but yet he failed to acknowledge them at all let alone address anything in them. The letters could have been written to strangers. He has never been one to put much effort into relationships but watching the disappointment on my kid’s faces was almost too much too bear. Prior to him leaving for rehab I had already filed for divorce and we were living separately but were trying to work it out. I am just not sure if he will ever change and I can’t bear the thought of my kids not I continuing this hurtful pattern. I just don’t know if it’s the alcoholism or if it’s him. Any insight would be helpful as I try to plan for my kids and my futures. Thanks.
Hi! Firstly I wanted to say you are so strong, it is difficult to not feel responsible for the impact it has had on your family, but you are doing your best. You sound like a wonderful mother and love and honesty is all a child really needs
Secondly 14 years is a long time, is alcoholism something your partner has battled with since you knew them or did it develope throughout the relationship? Sometimes it’s difficult to differentiate between the person and the addiction.
Regardless of whether you choose to continue with your relationship, he will always be their father and if his illness or his personality impacts his role, that is not your fault!
I would personally say take your own space, do what is right for yourself and your children but I understand the want / hope for a person to recover and change and the guilt this can cause for the family members by putting up those boundaries.
You are your own person and your children are very lucky to have someone as caring and strong as yourself.
Sending you love and strength ️
I am very new to this (as in relationship with an addict wise) so I am going through some of the same issues with one letter, etc. My boyfriend went to detox for a week, came home for 6 days & is now in long term rehab for 6 months. We have only been in a relationship for 7 months & this is his 3rd trip to rehab in 17 years. As hard as it is right now, I know this is our only hope.
However, my father was an alcoholic (deceased) & got sober in my teen years. Although your husband has been selfish in his addiction, his current selfishness is very different. If he ever stands a chance at staying sober, he has to put himself first, especially right now. He has to concentrate 100% on his recovery & trust me he is reliving everything he ever put you through right now while sober. When my father came out of rehab he was a different man than the drinker I grew up with. He was the husband & father he always should have been. He still fought with his past demons I am sure & was far from perfect, but he never stopped working his program & trying his best the remaining 11 years of his life (died of lung cancer).
You have to think of this for what it is, a disease. Like diabetes (for example), your husband can never stop taking his insulin (AA, step work, etc) & doing whatever is necessary to stay alive. And it really is life & death for the addict. There is no in between.
I know you are hurting, pissed off, etc & you have every right to be … so do your children. But what if this is the time it finally works out for you & him? See what happens when he comes home before you make any final & rash decisions. And remember there are others out here just like you (myself) who are barely hanging on. Praying for the best & working on myself while he is gone.
BTW … (and I am not a nut) Mercury is in retrograde until July 12th. These planets & the shape of the world have us all half crazy & out of whack
I believe he has been an alcoholic the entire however I wasn’t aware of it until probably the last 6-8 years. I guess I don’t know who is as a person at this point all I know is once he was past detox and working the program he failed to write except after meeting his own needs first which is pretty common and he has had plenty of down time and has had the time but hasn’t. The content in the letters (each of us has received only 1) is generic and has zero substance, you could swap out our names at the top and give them to any person on the street. I am just at the point where I have “heard” it soooo many times but haven’t seen it ever and I thought if I was going to actually see it, there surrounded by people who are supporting you and can help work through things I would. Actions are true words I suppose. Just not sure if this is typical or if this is just him.
Absolutely not a horrible person. Trust yourself. If you need time, you need time. My main point was maybe this is the time he truly succeeds in staying sober. But it’s up to him to prove that & rebuild that trust. That’s his job. He broke that. You take care of you & your kids. It will all work out exactly how it’s supposed to. I know it’s scary because I’m over here giving you advise but scared as hell myself. I sure hope & pray it works out for all of us.
I guess my additional question would be then would it make me a terrible person to want to stay separated and allow both of us to work on ourselves. I really need to help the children and I heal and make a decision in the next 6 months. I know the distance might be difficult for him but my kids and I need time and space to heal as well. I am really struggling with the guilt.