Husband and I are in separate COUNTRIES, I finally found out he relapsed

recovery
relationship
husband

#1

Hi, my situation is a little but different than most. My Husband is Australian and I am American. Do to immigration laws in Australia, I am currently in the USA because I had to be offshore for my Spouse visa to be approved. I left Australia in September of 2018, and started noticing strange behavior from my husband in early December. My husband was 6 years clean and I have only known him for a little over 4 years (only as a clean addict). After 2 months of continuing to ask him if a relapsed occurred he finally broke down and told me. He entered back into NA on February 3rd and began a 12-step program and has a sponsor as well.

His mood has not changed AT ALL. He is still quite blunt and mean and to my surprise removed his wedding ring about 4 weeks ago, because he says, he is not the man I married and he feels guilt and shame when he wears it, so that is why he removed it.
We had discussed what we would do once my visa was approved, and he agreed that after it was, I could come home. On March 12th my visa was approved and he is now saying he does not want me to come home because he needs more time. He has said if I come that I will not like it and it won’t end well. He is fearful of being codependent and he says that is the reason he does not want me to come back.

I am sad, disappointed, hurt, and feel disrespected. He has made time for friends in his life over there, including someone who makes me uncomfortable, which he knows about, but still hangs out with. I am attending therapy and Nar-Anon meetings 3 times a week, which has helped, but I just would like to go home to my husband and animals.

I would love some insight from someone on if this behavior is “normal” for an addict in early recovery? The ring, the moodiness, the lack of respect, and the fact that he doesn’t want me to come home yet. Does anyone have some insight? I would appreciate it so much. I love him SO much and cannot picture life without him, but Im afraid of what the future holds.


#3

Hi @jackiemayxo I’ve been in separate countries from my husband and had him relapse and it is the worst. I’ve been living in Thailand and him in NYC going silent for days, weeks and just keeps saying ‘I’m fine’. Me on the other end of the phone just pleading with him to book a flight home to me.

So they say connection is the opposite of addiction, and I have found that these experiences tend to reinforce that. When they’re alone they can waiver and get off track, particularly if they are in an environment conducive to it. We actually at one time made a rule that we wouldn’t travel separately because this kept happening. And sometimes we’re better able to predict the outcome than they are.

Does he have friends and family in Australia that are supportive and healthy influences that you are able to tap into to ask them to up their support of him?

So painful to be in this position, but if it was me with my husband. I reckon getting face to face with him would be important to snap him out of his spiral.

Also, I know what you mean about ‘those friends’ who are worrisome influences. My husband actually went out with some of them last night and it still irks me 3+ years into his recovery. At least now it is sort of a once every few month type thing.

We have to be so careful.

Please keep the conversation going here. I’m here for you. Apologies for not seeing your post sooner! How are you doing now, any updates since you posted?

:heart:


#5

I am afraid he might have found that connection with someone else. He is my husband but I haven’t seen him in 6 almost 7 months and he now doesn’t want me to come home. Maybe its because he’s with some other woman. Or maybe it’s because he really hasn’t stopped using. There are so many what ifs and I want to go home to just see him and for him to be so unbelievably honest, even it if breaks my heart.
He does have friends in Australia, but to be honest most are from high school and all drink and use and Im not sure he knows how to break away because its like they reminisce on the “good old days” and find themselves back there, if that makes sense.

I guess I am just lost as to what to do next. I have people saying all the things I am thinking, like he is cheating, using, and lying to my face. I have others saying, he could be telling the truth and just wants to be alone to figure out his recovery. And some people saying none of it matters just RUN FAR AWAY.
I don’t want a divorce, he is the love of my life and I knew this was a possibly, I just didn’t realize it would be with me in another country and him not wanting me to come back home.


#6

@jackiemayxo so hard, I know!
People can give advice but if they haven’t been through it they don’t know. We’ve inherited so much misinformation about addiction. Addiction hijacks the brain and makes people act in irrational ways. As long as he is in active addiction he will be acting from that place.

I’ve been through hell and back with my husband and it was worth if for us and our relationship didn’t work during active addiction but (almost 4 years into recovery) now it does!

I can’t speak for your situation but from my experience, I’ve been able to help my husband lift out of addiction and it’s different on the other side.


#8

@polly I think you are right. Our relationship was wonderful before he relapsed, I have never known him as this man. And I am holding onto the thought that he could be that person again, if not even more amazing. Thank you for your help.
I seriously appreciate it. Its nice to hear from people who have been through the hell and now are in the clouds hopefully towards heaven with your husband.


#2

So grateful for your question and being here with us @jackiemayxo

Here are a few related posts that might help you feel less alone, this is definitely a trick of the addiction:

Also, where are you located? We’re planning to host some NYC based meetups in the coming weeks. We could offer dial in if you’re not nearby and would still like to attend :heart:


#9

@jackiemayxo certainly not easy but yes, life now is a far distance from the rock bottoms and is fully textured and that’s the way I like it!

I think we inherited this societal view that ‘addicts’ have to recover on their own. I think that view totally misses the fact that they are actually mentally impaired when in active addiction. They need help! And right now that’s really left to the friends and family…or a devastating rock bottom.

Here for you. Please keep sharing! Always happy to share what I’ve been through :heart:
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.


#4

Thank you for these articles and posts.
I am located in Florida actually!