Good evening community.,
I have been diagnosed with early stage breast cancer and will have surgery next week. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. Today I had an appointment with the surgeon for pre-op stuff. When I woke up, my boyfriend wasn’t here. He never came back home after playing poker last night. He had a slip after 45 days clean. He had been talking about cravings all week, so I should not be surprised. I was pissed off and so disappointed. He wasn’t able to pull through and be here for me now when I’m going through this? No, he was not. Hard to believe that he could be this selfish. He says the emotional toll on him (with me going through the cancer treatment) became too much and he needed a release.
I feel better now after processing with a few friends. I’m lucky to have a lot of support. Trying to keep a neutral mind about the whole thing. People struggling with substance use are often acting in ways that seem very selfish, I know this. And it actually didn’t change today’s plans. I had already planned for a friend to come with me to the appointment. All went well and according to plan - for me. What still bothers me is that I spent the majority of the day worrying about him, thinking about his use, how to prevent it, wondering if this will turn into a full blown relapse, wondering if I can count on him to support me through the surgery. I thought about all that instead of focusing on myself, staying calm, and thinking about my own healing. That is what feels so messed up - that the day became all about him . I’m usually not someone who needs a lot of attention or need a lot of support from people, but I do need to put myself in the center during this time.
Now we’re gonna go through the week of surgery having to deal with his cravings and post-use health issues. How do I balance this? How do I avoid self-abandonment and also give him support? I’d love to hear of anyone had gone through anything similar?
<3
