Hi ladies, I’m new to this forum. Actually I’ve never once ever done one of these forums like this besides mom groups.
I just celebrated 15years of sobriety. I am very active in program and have been since day 1. My husband and I met thru program friends. Married 10 years. 3 children ages 9, 7 and 6.
Husband was supposed to have taken 15years in September as well. But disappeared 2 consecutive Friday nights at a hotel. After 2 a very months, he disclosed that he had used cocaine. (Which I already knew… I tested him after he came back the 2nd night) I was uber soft with him and loved on him as I realize the nature of this disease.
When he finally opened up to me, he also disclosed that that multiple episodes of using have been going on for the past 7.5 years. (!!!)(WTF)
I was at a loss for words… but somehow managed to stay objective until the following week when he shut down again. All defenses were up on him and his resentments were seething.
Ladies, unless he is willing, open and honest to me (no telling me it’s “none of my business”) I simply can’t see us moving forward.
He is apparently a master at hiding. A master manipulator. (Which I knew already,lol) and he he is also a sex- addict. There have been years of on/ off phone sex he has accounted for as well.
Again. I see the addiction playing here. I understand this disease very well. I just have zero experience from the Alanon perspective. I’ve never dealt w an active alcoholic within our family circle. There is a very small tribe of people whom I’ve opened up about this. But I feel myself getting sick from all of this. I’m in fear he’s going to keep gaslighting and turn this all around on me as if it’s “my fault”. I fear of losing my marriage. I fear of losing him. At 46yr old, he is no image of health and I fear an OD.
He says he is physically sober. However I see zero humility. Zero accountability. Only defensive anger. So… to me. This is not “sober”. That is brittle and dry.
We are currently sleeping in separate rooms. I have no desire to be sexually intimate with him when he is shutting me out like this which only fuels his anger. We talk about getting separated, not divorced, but time apart.
I know a few things only:
A.) I do not want to get divorced. And am nervous about a separation.
B.) I can’t trust him for anything
C.) I don’t know how to handle all of this
D.) If we stay together… can I ever trust again??
How do you do this?? How do you keep your cool and stay married to them without completely losing yourself in the process??
I’m so grateful for your time and insight