How to push past surface level conversations & connection?

communication
#1

Something that mentionedin this post made me think about how something I’m doing must be making it hard for dad to speak honestly. He always tells me, “I’m good. All’s good.” Even when it feels like that might not be the case - that he’s in pain in some way (lonely, sad, stressed), not even substance related.

It’s like we need to backtrack after having focused so much energy on his addiction that now he thinks (I’m hypothesizing here!) anything he says might be turned into an addiction talk instead of me truly wanting to listen to, empathize with, and support him - so he just keeps its surface level. (Does that make any sense? :grimacing:)

My question to @addictability (and all) is: even when you felt like you moved past the surface, and you shared truthfully about your pain/suffering, did you truly believe your fiance would love you despite your troubles? What about her listening & communication was effective?

#2

@katie it took a lot of time, hard work and consistency on her part for me to believe that - I pushed her further and further to try and prove to myself that she wasn’t for real

It wasn’t until I was boarding a plane with her for vacation and I ended up being arrested for a bounced check in Vegas from years ago.

She saw me in an orange jumpsuit and had to call associates of mine, people she has never met to ask for the $9k needed to be released. That was the turning point for a lot of things. (Orange is not my best look)

I hit rock bottom and it gave me a chance to finally be completely honest about everything and she earned her trust in spades. I have been incredibly fortunate to have someone in my life who took the time and effort to understand my pain and her love and support is the driving force to my sobriety.

Sadly, it took me almost loosing everything to finally have enough faith and trust to share the most vulnerable and painful part of my soul

It also helped that her mom was a recovering addict and she had her as a resource to understand addiction a bit better - it’s an incredibly deep rooted and is not intuitive to someone who has never been an addict - that makes empathy for your loved one with an addiction even harder

The stigma around addiction is very real, addicts are human beings at their most vulnerable, be kind, be patient and hopefully you will be illuminated along the way

#3

Such a powerful share thank you @addictability

This resonated with me heaps:

Well said, this is SO true! I love the way you put that.

This is a crazy part about supporting someone through addiction - for a newbie it just doesn’t make sense. And then CRAZY how much we eventually learn about it!

#4

I know what you’re talking about too @katie

I think my husband told me for a year ‘I’m fine’.
And I had to work to get under the skin and get the real answer.

I think 2nd year improved.

Year 3 is crushing it :slight_smile:

#5

Encouraging to hear that there may be improvement in time, still. Thanks @polly.