I’m new to this group and this is my first question. I recently learned that my partner has been intermittently using (meth and other stimulents) for the last year and a half that he told me he was sober. I’ve walked in on him using in our house and caught him stealing from me and I don’t feel emotionally safe around him at all. My concern for his addiction has taken over my life. I asked him to move out and gave him 45 days to find a place. He has been using during that time and is now in detox as he calls it. I don’t know how to navigate this situation because I’m afraid to push him farther into his spiral but he’s not getting better and he’s draining all of my energy and hurting me. He says he wants to stop using and he wants to go to rehab but he has no money and no prospects of another place to live, he also refuses to attend meetings or online support groups because he says that they’re triggering for him and he doesn’t like them. Other than just kicking him out on the street I’m not sure what I can do to protect myself.
How to navigate him not having anywhere to go
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a nightmare. Unfortunately at this time he will tell you anything to get what he needs. You have to look after yourself. The man you knew is not present at this time. Please tell him to go. Do not spend your life trying to save him, only he can do that. Sending prayers and strength
That’s a very rough situation to navigate, sorry you’ve found yourself in the mess of addiction.
Right now as tough as it seems, you need to take care of you in all aspects. So whatever self care means and looks like to you, do it and start small. Try not to overexert yourself, you are important and you matter too!
Creating clear boundaries is a great start, it’s difficult to stick to them but necessary in order to keep yourself in a sane place.
Unfortunately, you have to let him hit his rock bottom. He has to want to get clean and help himself, if that means losing you and a safe home then that might have to be the answer for the time being. Protect your space and your energy as best as you can.
During this “detox” thing hes claiming to go through, it’s going to be hard to watch him become ill but honestly, let him. He can’t die from drug withdrawal but it will definitely feel like he’s dying, he may use this sickness to get high again(just a warning) and “feel better” but it’s just an excuse because he will tell you anything you want to hear.
Are rehab/detox centres available where you are from? And if they are, is there a cost? I would also highly recommend that you speak with a counsellor or Therapst about YOU and your situation, you need a healthy and stable support system as well!
Please take care, I hope this helped a bit.
Hi Sarah,
This is a tough situation. Since you set a bottom line (he needs to move out in 45 days), I think it’s important to stick to that bottom line. Otherwise, addicts learn that they can manipulate the situation and that you won’t stick to your boundaries. I applaud you for setting this bottom line with him! It sounds emotionally toxic, and relationships based on love and respect should not repeatedly harm the other person. You deserve emotional safety, trust, and acts of love in a healthy relationship.
That being said, he will learn that he cannot manipulate you when you have him leave at 45 days. It’s going to be scary to let him navigate the next steps on his own. Sadly, he will have to hit his rock bottom and I’m not sure he would hit bottom if he’s living with you and has a place to stay. It is scary when you are not sure where their rock bottom will actually be =(
Right now, I’m in a relationship with an end stage alcoholic (failing liver, pancreas). I think I will have to end our relationship and let him know there might be hope for us if he can commit to long term sobriety. Meaning, get into AA meetings, addiction/trauma therapy, and at least 90 days sober. My therapist has reminded me that I have a choice to leave a relationship that is causing me great harm, and it’s not my responsibility to save him. He has to want to save himself. I can’t force him to go to meetings. Like your partner, my boyfriend also says that AA is triggering for him. I think it’s a common manipulation response from an addict.
I hope you are able to take care of yourself. Do you have access to therapy services? Any self-care you are able to do, please try. It’s an emotional rollercoaster to love someone with an addiction. But you deserve help and support too.
Thanks everyone who wrote to me about my post. It’s been hard to move on from this situation as I got stuck in my fear of what might happen to him if I kicked him out. Well now he is feeling better and back to more or less his normal. Not working much, not making a huge effort to find another place to go, and saying he wants to go to rehab but not having much urgency around making that happen. He is happy as long as he is doing what he wants to be doing but as soon as things become uncomfortable the anger and delusional irritability come out. Still it’s hard for me to lay down a hard boundary with him about being at the house. He is not bad all the time and I feel like my friendliness with him makes him think I might change my mind and want to stay with him. I try to trust that this wont last forever and my next big step is finding a therapist who can support me through this. I’m carrying so much anger and frustration in my gut that I feel sick. Cutting him off feels really hard to do but I know it will be liberating.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Remember your health and happiness first. Al-Non groups are very helpful. They are very welcoming and non judgmental. Even find one on Zoom. You don’t have to even talk but just sit and listen. Counseling is a great option as well. You deserve happiness. You deserve peace. My husband is an alcoholic. He is currently 120 days sober after treatment. Treatment saved his life. Is he better? Yes. Did it save our marriage? I don’t know? There are days I like him again. There are days I hate him and what he did to me and our girls. I was a survivor for 3-4 years. I am angry I stayed that long. I am angry alcoholism stole so much of my kids and my life. My husband was drinking our money and life away and he was mean, angry, manipulative. Everytime I went to leave he would manipulate and be better. Or he would hide and message me he was going to take his own life if we left. He had me and the kids hostage by his manipulation. Alcoholics are MASTER manipulators. They say and do what you want to hear and then the vicious circle starts again. My husband only got better because I packed our bags and ask my friend to help me leave. I was leaving. The next day my husband chose and went to treatment. Only because I chose my life and kids over his. Choose you. You did not create the addict. You deserve to live in pace and not in fear and anger. Do not blame yourself for whatever happens. I pray for you. I pray for peace. I pray for happiness. H
Hi @SarahR thanks for sharing, we’d love to hear how things are going now?
*Also, quick tip, to get support and gain skills to help with that treatment urgency / willingness you could try our course/group/coaching which has specific modules focused on how to find the right time, right words and right options to encourage their willingness to try treatment and get rapid intake <3
I’m going through a similar situation. Boyfriend is an alcoholic and relapsed. I didn’t know until recently.
I changed the locks. It’s been very painful for both of us.
I feel like I did what I should have done but I still feel guilty.
Your story sounds similar to mine but my s/o tried to get treated but had to leave rehab 3wks in because of insurance issues, he keeps telling me he wants help and wants to change but he does nothing about it. He manipulates my life and I’m just so tired of it. We have 4kids together and idk what to do even if I kick him out he won’t leave he refuses.
He has the resources to get drugs so he has the resources to get a place to stay.
The sooner he is on his own the sooner he has to chose between getting high and staying alive.
I don’t know if I could love a person enough to let them go. I know i have in the past. It was my child.
get support for yourselF NOW.
GO TO EVERY SUPPORT MEETING YOU CAN FIND. the answers you need are for you. give him the respect of making his own decisions. It is not fair. No one should be in your position and yet this is your life.
hugs
Nora
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I can completely relate! My husband was 8 years sober and active in AA when we met. Shortly after we moved in together and got married he stopped going to meetings, his reasons sounded plausible but shortly after he lost his job. After that I spent the next 3 years encouraging him to continue AA, trying to get him to commit to a timeline where he would actively pursue a FT job. I begged, pleaded, and worked two jobs at times. I began to see the signs of relapse before he started drinking again but it was too late. Even though he repeatedly told me I was the love of his life, he still could not commit to relieving my stress re our financial issues and take steps to getting a job. He had no place to go, couldn’t afford to get his own place as he didn’t have a FT job. I had to sell the house (mine before we met) in order to get him to leave. He drew on my fears and abandonment issues to make feel guilty for “leaving him.” It was incredibly difficult. I still have feelings of resentment that I had to lose my home because of his addiction. I didn’t know anything about Al Anon at the time and wish I had gone to meetings. Find a meeting, get support from those who will encourage you, therapist, friends, Al Anon. Know that It’s ok to set a firm boundary, give a specific end date. I wish you peace.