How to inform my fiancee that I know he has pills hidden bc I found them?

communication
relationship

#1

My fiancee told me that he got the vivitrol shot before he left rehab and is getting it every 30 day but I’m really not sure if he really is. Now today I was looking for something in the bedside table and found 2 bottles way in the back with no label so I looked the pills up and they are Xanax and Norco! I don’t know how to confront him with this and I’m just not willing to do this for a 4th time in a year, he was sobler for the first 9.5 years together


#2

My S/O took Vivitrol shots for alcohol in the past but it didn’t work out for him. He still drank on them and it just made him sick. honestly the only thing that’s really worked is him going to AA and sticking with it on the daily. which he’s on 50some days sober after rehab in November/December.

but I hear ya. This is our 3rd time this year with rehab. my current S/O is an alcoholic, so it’s pretty noticeable if he drinks. But, he still will try to pretend he’s sober at first which is really annoying. I always hate confronting him too. my ex husband used to hide pills and drugs in the house. I honestly don’t know what the answer is in these situations. for me, i wasn’t comfortable with drugs in my house because we have kids, so i’d usually say something.

What are your plans? Will you confront him? in my experience my current S/O would lie and say the vodka was there before he went to rehab. My ex husband used to actually physically fight me over drugs which was never safe or healthy. i’m sure i wasn’t the best with my words and actions either. But I have found setting firm boundaries has helped. one of my boundaries is I do not allow drugs in my house. I also won’t be around either of them if they are high or drunk. I feel like i’m not the best at confronting. I tend to get my emotions all wrapped up in it. so I used to either cry or get mad. sometimes we’d end up in a toxic fight especially if one of them was high or drunk.

i’m getting better though. It’s best to confront them when they are not intoxicated. Now I might say something like, “I found these in the drawer when I was cleaning. having drugs like this in our house makes me feel uncomfortable. and i’m worried you may be relapsing. what can we do about this? Is there anything i can do to help you?”

or “last night when you were texting me you were saying things you’d say if you were buzzed. i’m worried you were.”

For me this is never easy because my emotions get so rattled. usually a slip or relapse really hits my trauma damaged brain and I enter fight or flight pretty quickly. ugh.


#4

This is so incredibly hard. I relate to both of you - my husband is an alcoholic and also often claims that he found a bottle of vodka in an old hiding place. I find the lying and secrecy/pretending not to be drunk to be the thing I can stand the least. However, I think I’ve gotten pretty good at confronting the situations. I give myself a little time to calm down, and then ask in the most calm/neutral voice I can find, “Have you been drinking?” Or “You don’t seem sober.” Or “I found this vodka that you hid.” Then I try to get him to tell me the details of the situation - he usually tells me as little as possible once he admits I’m right. Mega frustrating… but I just stay as calm as possible.


#3

I promise you that he definitely told me the same thing about the bottles I found :rofl::joy: do they actually think we are stupid? I am not staying this time if he is using, I have been doing some detective work lol. I just want a nice quiet life with my family. I know this is a disease but I’m not his mom and he chooses to pick the crap up again it just isn’t fair to me . We need to love ourselves more than we do and know our self worth.


#5

When i finally reached a certain level of sanity, this seemed funny but until I heard this story from most of the other parents in my first parent support group. it was way painful and confusing. This is when i decided it really was the drugs and alcohol talking. Even when they didn’t seem to be using.

Slowly i began to see the wisdom of looking after my well being. Addiction is crazy and it is catching. For instance how will confronting him help. If he is being treated somewhere talk to them.
I’m sure there are a lot of people who need you other the alcoholic. Please look after your selves.

Hugs
Nora


#6

How are things going now? How did you manage the communication?

Communication with someone in addiction or recovery is one of our greatest tools to influence outcomes - that’s why we cover it in our second course module and again throughout many of the behavioral change skills.

Just in case you’re interested, we have our next Group Course beginning Wednesday March 17th, and running Wednesdays 6-7pm EST for 12 weeks. Love to have you with us, sign up HERE


#7

Well he just now has to start dropping 1 to 2 times a week at $20 each drop, he started to complain to me about the cost and he has no money and I look him straight in his face and told him that he did this to himself and that this is the consequence for his actions he will be going before the judge on the 26th of this month and any reprimand he gets is what he deserves bc he has been caught drinking several times since his Dui. I just don’t feel the same about him as I used, I told him today he is the one that wrecked this relationship not me. I have stood beside him but I think I’m about done.


#8

Oh and yeah he hasn’t been to meeting and when he said he went it was a lie he doesn’t keep in touch with his sponsor and has missed more qork this year than the last 10 years put together.