Me and my bf have been doing seemingly well for a few weeks. After a big thing and some talking/planning, things have been relatively light. Minus a few hiccups here and there but nothing grandiose. But since Friday, I’ve had that gnawing feeling that things just aren’t what they seem. I communicated this to my guy out of an attempt to just let out some word vomit. But more than likely to try to weasle my way of figuring out what he’s up to that he’s not telling me about. Fast fwd through Fri and Sat and it’s been one thing after another. Lie after lie. To which anything rational I completely lost sight of. Long story short, it wound up in me requesting if he’d be okay with my viewing his bank account to back up the story he’s telling me. I got met with resistance. His reasoning was bc he just didn’t see that it was necessary and he didn’t want to and doesn’t have to. That This is so miniscule and I’m making it way more complex than necessary. I believe his story. I should take his word for it.
I tried stupidly debating my side. Telling him I understand what he’s saying and while he’s correct, he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do… it would be of huge assistance to me and my peace of mind. Nothing I said was compelling enough. So since last night I’ve been stuck in this space that feels dangerous and untrustworthy and not knowing what to expect or feeling like there’s a ball about to drop soon. I’m in a consistent state of anxiety. Shaking, can’t sleep for more than an hour at a time, weird off feeling… my emotions are just all over the place. To top it off, I wake up this morning to discover him awake and downstairs having a full on convo with himself and behaving just weird… he was definitely high. But I’ve never experienced the particular behaviors before with his past heroin use. Making strange noises, singing to himself, clapping and laughing at his own words… at 6am in the morning. I’m just lost and I don’t know what next to do. I reached out to his mother and got no support from her bc I discovered she’d been giving him $ recently and agreeing with him to keep that happening away from me. When we had an understanding that we’d communicate things like that with each other. I just asked her if it was true or not and she said yes. I then explained what was going on with him and she sent me a thumbs up…? So all of that hurt my feelings I guess bc she’s the only one I discuss this with whatsoever. Except for here. Then I am told that she called him on the phone to back up my story and then chatted with him after he told her he wasn’t hiding anything he just didn’t want to show me the account. Ugh I’ve just had it this weekend. I’m so tired of the same cycle. Every month or so. No trust. When I think it’s being re-established, I find out that was bullshit just to appease me for a time frame. Until the next big blow up happens. The perception that he understands but then when that’s inconvenient for him, he completely changes that around without even explaining. Like he never said he understood 3 days ago when we talked… Where did I come up with that? Back to the start line. It’s an every other day thing almost that lies and schemes are discovered. Even when I’m not even so much digging for them.
Just need to vent
Hope you all are having great weekends! It’s been quite on here for a few days!