How to handle the lies to your face?


#1

My boyfriend and I have been together for close to 3 years. I moved states to be with him and begin a life together about 2 years ago. Shortly after moving, I realized that his “recreational” drug use was actually not so recreational, but that he was, in fact, an addict. He has been using opioids, among other things, for over 17 years.

The realization came really hard at first. Moving states, leaving my friends, family, job to be with him felt like it was based on a lie. As we started having more open conversations about his drug use, we became even closer than before. I was his rock. For a while now, I’ve been in therapy to help deal with his addiction, how to talk to him and help myself. My therapist is an incredible person and really helped me/us get him into therapy and then detox. The beginning of this year was incredibly tough. We went through some really tough times and it affected him greatly. I saw him at his worst right before he went to detox in February. I visited him on Valentine’s Day when he was there and it was the first time in our relationship that his eyes were clear. I saw him… I truly saw him.

After detox, he was excited about the road to recovery. Taking his medication, going to therapy. Doing everything right. Little by little things started to slip. First he did acid, then ketamine and right before my breaking point, I found powder on our countertop. I made the decision then that I needed to go home. To be with my family. To heal my own wounds. We broke up during this time and it was incredibly hard. He told me that right before I left he felt he needed to “numb himself” to be around me. During the month that I was gone, we talked a lot. We worked through some really tough problems and agreed we’d give us another chance.

I came back to our home about a month ago. I thought he was clean, or so that’s how he made it out to seem. He told me he wasn’t doing anything, but within the first 24 hours I found coke on our countertop. Then xanax in our closet.

As of last weekend, I found some oxys in our bathroom. We talked about it briefly and he said his medication was messed up and he needed to get through the weekend. Last night, he told me he had to go downstairs (which used to mean he was going to buy drugs) because he owed someone some money. He made a point to say, “Don’t worry, I am not buying pills. I spent the last 4 days trying to get off the ones from last weekend.” I believed him, blindly… When he got back, my gut told me something was off. I went to the bathroom and there was a bag of oxys tucked away. I asked him, “did you buy anything from him?” and he said no.

I told him that he can come to me and talk to me about things… he just said those were old (which they definitely weren’t.) I feel really upset that he lied so blatantly to my face. We’ve had a lot of trust issues on both sides, and have been trying to work on that. He constantly tells me to be honest with him, which I’m doing… but he’s not doing the same.

I don’t know how to talk to him about this. Should I? Should I let him come to me? Should I call out the double-standard he’s set about telling the truth? I just got through some hard work of healing my own depression due to his addiction and the pain of our relationship. I can’t fall backwards.


#2

The lying… is awful. There is truly nothing worse. I asked a similar question to this here and the answers might help you out!

Tbh, I have never gotten used to it fully, but it does get easier. Reminding yourself that it’s your choice to be there (or not), might also help you feel a bit more in control. Sending hugs. :two_hearts:


#3

I so appreciate you sharing! This is such a helpful resource,

Sending you positive energy and lots of love. xx


#4

The lying is the worst. I’ve read up, watched videos, and tried to learn about addiction as much as I can. I try to accept that lying is big part of addiction, but it’s so hard to accept sometimes. Lately I’ve been reiterating to my S/O that he’s only lying to himself. But boy is it hard to accept. :heart:


#5

It really is the worst. It wastes so much time and escalates every situation. It took a long time and working on myself before it didn’t offend me anymore