How to deal with neglect during relapse?



Hi, my partner of 2 years used heroine on & off for years. She was in partial recovery when we met (going to meetings sometimes and therapy too). She recently relapsed and is no longer seeking help. She started really pushing me away about 5 months ago claiming that she was bipolar & couldn’t spend time. Whenever I ask for more time or connection, she’d say that she loved me too much and felt she couldn’t give me what I needed, so I may be better off without her. I’d tell her that I would stay by her side and love her as she was (bipolar & all), as I’m sure I have my own baggage too. Two months ago, she finally confessed that she was back to using while asking for money to buy detox drugs (which was an excuse probably to buy more drugs and maybe without the need for $, she may not have told me). I was very supportive & loving, and told her I wouldn’t give up on her. Afterwards and for the most part, I would send loving texts without expectations, And she was super loving in return. Other times, I would get frustrated and my tone would slightly change over texts (since we rarely talk on the phone now). She also becomes extra distant whenever I mention anything about us meeting, which only happened a couple of times in the last 2 months. We text every day but only met twice very briefly after her confession.

I love her and would like to support, but find it hard to stay mentally healthy when we are so disconnected like that. I do not want to give up on her but also can’t see myself going on living a single life. It bothers me that she still spends time with her parents (sometimes) but avoids me at all costs. No one among her family or friends know about this relapse, she says, but I’m also so alienated to really know for sure. I have no doubt she loved me immensely but am not sure If she still does anymore. I suspect she could be seeing someone else but have nothing to prove it. Has anybody been able to stick around, while abstaining from sex and affection, and finally had their partner back from that dark place?


My husband has relapsed many times and is not much capable any longer of much affection or sex. After 20 years of the rollercoaster ride of the emotional trauma. I wish I had left a long time ago! There is no cure for heroine addiction! Get out of the relationship. The drug is her only true love. You’ll just end up missing your own life!!!


I would encourage you not to listen to anyone who says get out of the relationship. Only you can decide what is best for you. It is important to remember drugs alter the mind. Your loved one is in there, but the drugs are impairing judgement. It’s painful and hard to know where to draw a boundary when you don’t want to abandon a loved one in need. Consider perhaps something like this… “i love you and I’m here for you but you need help. When you are on drugs, I don’t know who you are. This is stronger than both of us and we need you to get the right help. If you can’t get help please call me when you are ready. This is too painful for me to watch because I love you too much.” It’s also important to remember that the addiction comes from a pain. It’s hard to stop unless the trauma and pain is properly dealt with. Don’t hate the person, love them through this, but know it is stronger than both of you. Relapse is a normal part of the process. Try not to be angry if this happens. Your loved one is already beating themselves us. Recovery is possible but it requires a new way of life with ups and downs, and proper ongoing support for life long healing and self care for both you and your loved one.


You can not cure an addiction, but you can manage it with the right professional help. It is a personal decision to leave or say, and one no one else should make for another person.