How to continue my marriage after wife relapsed several times?


#1

Hello,

My wife went into rehab in feb for first time for 28 days. I knew her drinking was getting progressively works About 3 years ago. She suffers from ptsd from her her college years that’s she has never dealt with so drinking has been her crutch. She relapsed several times , and the last time I had to call the police and they brought her to hospital. That was the last straw , I needed help and reached out to her parents , she is with them now for almost a month and she also relapsed with them. It’s been 2 weeks now she’s sober she’s seems strong and wants be to drive 16 hours with our cats and come stay with her through the summer and rent a place where she is. She seems to be in a good mental state. Me on the other hand I have noticed myself feeling depressed, not wanting to get out of bed and feeling like crap. A pandemic, losing my job does not help. I’m trying to work on myself been attending zoom al-anon meetings and working on that. Cleaning out our apartment, because I don’t know if where we live in nyc is the best place for my wife, we still need to keep the apartment because we have some things to handle. She is working from her folks house on computer but eventually will have to return to NY. I guess my question is , should I leave NYC and go be with her down south and work on our marriage or should I stay in NY and continue to work on myself? I don’t want her to feel like I’m giving up on us.

Thanks , M


#2

I just want you to know that I feel for you and you are not alone. Dealing with the ups and downs of loving an addict can be very depressing. I think it’s great that she’s doing so well in rehab. But what about you? I’m currently right there with you. my S/O relapsed this week after 4 months, so I completely get your depressed state. Self-care is so important right now, and I know I’m not too great with that myself. I think it’s great you have been attending Alanon. I too have attended Alanon. I also find a ton of help and information through this site and through Dharma Recovery. I see a therapist every other week which has also helped. The book Co-Dependent No More is a great read if you like reading. As far as moving, I would say it’s something that you’ll have to decide whether it’s right for you. I haven’t had to be in a predicament like that, so I don’t know how I would handle it. I have two kids and a life here, so I personally feel that if my S/O other had to go away, I would have no choice but to stay and continue the life I have here. The only thing with moving is that if she did relapse or things didn’t work out, would you have support there to help you get through it? Also, this may be a good opportunity for you both to work on yourselves individually. One thing I do know on a personal level is we often become just as sick as the addicts in our lives. We need to take care and do what’s right for ourselves. Sending love and healing vibes to you both.


#4

I hope everything works out for you. :heart:


#3

Thank you for your comment . I’m going to give this move a try and work on things with my spouse . Hopefully we can both heal together. If things don’t go according to plan then I will have to return to NY to our apartment and face reality.